Growing up I just wanted to be like other people, like anyone but me.
As a toddler I jumped into the lady’s car whose son my mum was babysitting because I wanted to go home to their place. It was better there.
I wanted to be like my cousins whose dad had a high paying job, who took them out places (other than the pub!) and who went to private schools.
I wanted to go to parties like my friends all did, I wanted to have a boyfriend like a normal person would and in my late teens I wanted to go to clubs like everyone else or go out with friends and have fun.
I wanted to escape my reality and I spent so many wasted hours doing that – through fantasy.
I found a man online who turned out to be a sex addict, the result of which got me into recovery and awoke me to my stuffed childhood sexual abuse.
I didn’t know what it was all about back then, I just wanted to get out and be like everybody else.
When I found my sex addict I lived a facade for 20 years. People thought I had it all together – that’s what I wanted, but all the pretending was wearing me down.
Then one day it all came crashing down and my true colours had nowhere else to go but to be on display.
All was not actually well and I had unravelled.
A life of pretending, holding in secrets and wishing I was someone and somewhere else was raw.
I was bitterly unhappy.
That was 9 years ago and now I am discovering who I am, learning to accept and love myself, going against the family system than conveniently uses me as a scapegoat and standing firm in my truth.
There is nobody better than me and I am enough. The journey’s in believing.
Rapid Cycling 