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Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Category

Distorted reality – a very influential situation for me and has been all my life.

My parents distorted my reality by making me (the child) believe that my sexual abuse was made up. That was 1978 but the distortion began way before then, when I was lead to believe that the alcoholic didn’t have a drinking problem.

Slowly slowly they chipped away at the block (my mind) until I started to think something was wrong with me.  I thought I was like my schizophrenic grandmother, I had a mental illness and nobody told me otherwise.

I buried what happened to me because I had no way of processing it, no validation, no support and no love and acceptance. I was simply defective.

Move forward 15 years where I met a sex addict.  He told me all sorts of distortions and when I questioned them my thoughts were dismissed as unreasonable. I began to put to him that something was wrong with me and he didn’t argue with that.

Move forward another 15 years where I’m working in a workplace that hushes truth and rewards bad behaviour to pacify employees.

My head is spinning so fast, I don’t understand what is happening here – I question my reality time and time again as I do not believe in myself. Am I sane, why are they not listening to me, something must be wrong with me, why do they not address the problems here….

How do I right this in my mind to stop the spinning. Over and over again it goes until I am overwhelmed with exhaustion and confusion. It is easier to just play the game of distortion and all will be well.

But it won’t be “well”.  it is time to take a stand, to stand up to the manipulator who keeps me in my position using accolades, to stand up to the injustice and distortion by simply walking away and saying “no more”.

I am scared, worried, frightened and beating myself up emotionally – rewind 40 years.

R.C

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Y’know what’s hard and has always been hard? Seeing everyone making plans for New Years Eve. Walking their dogs early, buying up big on food and alcohol, buying nice clothing to wear, their excitement, the crowds, the fireworks and the “Happy New Year” texts at midnight.

Growing up I was never really allowed out to celebrate with everyone else. Everyone was out partying and I was home with my parents listening to it all and feeling left out and alone.

As I got older sure I went out with people to parties or sat with friends but I was never really happy. It was never what it was cracked up to be. I was always miserable because in the back of my mind I was living with a problem, I was living with active sex addiction and it was hard. All I wanted was for it to stop and my life would be better (Step 1 in the 12 Steps to recovery).

For years I lived with emotional pain and suffering, living as mentally ill because I was treated as such and moulding myself into that label.

When living with active sex addiction in my life there was always some sort of drama, an incident which caused me pain and emotional suffering.

There is an enormous amount of New Years Eve baggage for me. I really don’t care for New Years Eve, I’d rather not be reminded of it and as much as I try to have a nice time now (active sex addiction is no longer in my life) I still feel sad, empty and lonely. I’d rather not celebrate it, I’d rather push it to the back of my mind and pretend it’s not there. I cannot wait for it to be over so I can move on with my life.

I can’t say I’ve met many people who feel this way on New Years Eve, perhaps it’s just me and I am truly alone here.

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I was appalled to read of a statement by the Lawyers for Robert Hughes, former Hey Dad star convicted of child sexual abuse, pleading to the Court for leniency for he had suffered at the hands of negative media attention for “the past month”.

What an insult! Do you really believe that one month in negative media limelight is cause for a reduced sentence and that same constitutes punishment for heinous crimes?

Child sexual abuse has children live with the after effects long after after the event/s have taken place, if not a lifetime.

One month’s negative media attention is no contest and an insult to the survivors of your unacceptable behaviour.

Did the denial of your crimes serve its litigious purpose or have you utterly deceived yourself into thinking that you did nothing wrong?

May you spend your minimum six years in jail reflecting on your pedophilia and working at the core issues that have lead you down this destructive path.

If you exit jail showing awareness of your disease and the willingness to arrest it, only then will I show you understanding. Otherwise, your time spent inside is fruitless.

You have been given a gift by your Higher Power, what you do with that gift is now up to you.

Beating this disease can simply start with two words – “I’m sorry”.  The world is ready to hear it.

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I’m hated in my own home and the sexaholic has to get away from me.

So, if I had to write a personal’s advertisement, what would I say about myself?

“I’m a good kind person with a good heart. I’m giving and genuine, easy-going and down to earth.  I cook, clean, wash clothes and dishes and go to work.

I enjoy watching TV, movies and going to cafe’s. I like walking and talking together, reading, animals, long drives and the beach.

I like cooking traditional Italian meals, drawing, pottery, sewing and beading.  I potter in the garden and love warm weather.

I love walking my dogs, swimming, shopping and surfing the internet.

I am quiet natured and enjoy current music and meditation.

I like going on holidays to the bush and the beach.

I enjoy psychology, catching up with friends, old wares, writing and going to op shops hunting for bargains.”

I think I’m a pretty good person.

How would you write your personal’s ad?

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I have lived with the diseases of sexaholism, codependency and alcoholism for nearly 40 years.

They have broken me many times and brought me to despair.

Sometimes it gets so tiring fighting off these diseases in my life.

They will do what they can to show me I am worthless and useless.

Many times I feel I can’t go on living but my human spirit continues to keep the blood pumping through my veins.

I do not know why I am allowed to wake up and face a new day, why I am not simply taken peacefully in my sleep.

Today I ask the darkness to swallow me up for I do not wish to see tomorrow’s light.

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When I was a young girl I was rarely allowed to do what I wanted.  I wasn’t asked what I thought or needed, I was simply told how it was going to be.

I often begged, cried and screamed for someone to hear me but nobody ever did.

I robotically did what I was told because if I didn’t, I was punished with beatings and solitude.

My mum said I was a trouble maker, stupid, I’d never get anywhere in life, a child, ignorant, know it all, an idiot and hopeless.

My room became my safe haven, my place to be left alone.  Nobody could get me in there, say bad things to me or order me around. I would sit in my room and create my own world that was safe, loving and full of fun. I was worthy, beautiful and popular in my room.

My self worth was destroyed and I tried to get some love very young in life by firstly offering myself to my father, then later latching on to boys and faking injuries so I’d be noticed.

I grew up as a people pleaser with a inner longing to be heard and considered worthy by someone.

I chose a man who was an only child, who unknowingly re-inforced my lack of worth through his deceit, contol and sex addiction.

I’m a follower and a dreamer (of course), stuck in a cycle destined for misery.

I’m back in my room with a soothing hand stroking my hair.  My soul screams “when will I be important to someone, when will they hear me?”

“It will be OK” says God, “I am here and you matter to me”.

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are you blind?.

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