Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

If I have a feeling I was photographed inappropriately as a child, how can I find out for certain? Where can I search for my photo? How do I do that and what websites do I look at?

I would say this exercise would be arduous plus severely triggering for me – but how else am I to prove for certain I was not only a photographer’s sexual object but an object for millions of child sexual predators?

Any input/experiences with this would be greatly appreciated.


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Y’know what’s hard and has always been hard? Seeing everyone making plans for New Years Eve. Walking their dogs early, buying up big on food and alcohol, buying nice clothing to wear, their excitement, the crowds, the fireworks and the “Happy New Year” texts at midnight.

Growing up I was never really allowed out to celebrate with everyone else. Everyone was out partying and I was home with my parents listening to it all and feeling left out and alone.

As I got older sure I went out with people to parties or sat with friends but I was never really happy. It was never what it was cracked up to be. I was always miserable because in the back of my mind I was living with a problem, I was living with active sex addiction and it was hard. All I wanted was for it to stop and my life would be better (Step 1 in the 12 Steps to recovery).

For years I lived with emotional pain and suffering, living as mentally ill because I was treated as such and moulding myself into that label.

When living with active sex addiction in my life there was always some sort of drama, an incident which caused me pain and emotional suffering.

There is an enormous amount of New Years Eve baggage for me. I really don’t care for New Years Eve, I’d rather not be reminded of it and as much as I try to have a nice time now (active sex addiction is no longer in my life) I still feel sad, empty and lonely. I’d rather not celebrate it, I’d rather push it to the back of my mind and pretend it’s not there. I cannot wait for it to be over so I can move on with my life.

I can’t say I’ve met many people who feel this way on New Years Eve, perhaps it’s just me and I am truly alone here.

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Repressed Anger

Is it really a bad thing that I express my repressed childhood anger towards other people who irritate me?

At least it’s coming out, right? ūüėÄ

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I changed the header on my Facebook page to show a picture of a little girl having a tea party with her toys.

I used to love having a tea party with my imaginary friends when I was young. I had a little plastic tea set and I used to put green cordial in it and serve it to my guests.

It’s a fitting picture, very pretty.

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I was appalled to read of a statement by the Lawyers for Robert Hughes, former Hey Dad star convicted of child sexual abuse, pleading to the Court for leniency for he had suffered at the hands of negative media attention for “the past month”.

What an insult! Do you really believe that one month in negative media limelight is cause for a reduced sentence and that same constitutes punishment for heinous crimes?

Child sexual abuse has children live with the after effects long after after the event/s have taken place, if not a lifetime.

One month’s negative media attention is no contest and an insult to the survivors of your unacceptable behaviour.

Did the denial of your crimes serve its litigious purpose or have you utterly deceived yourself into thinking that you did nothing wrong?

May you spend your minimum six years in jail reflecting on your pedophilia and working at the core issues that have lead you down this destructive path.

If you exit jail showing awareness of your disease and the willingness to arrest it, only then will I show you understanding. Otherwise, your time spent inside is fruitless.

You have been given a gift by your Higher Power, what you do with that gift is now up to you.

Beating this disease can simply start with two words – “I’m sorry”. ¬†The world is ready to hear it.

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“Hi Rapid Cycling,

My name is Mrs X and I have a son with bipolar.

My son is 36 years old and he is so very lonely. He doesn’t have a friend, or a girlfriend and it has been this way for years. He usually visits us, his parents, and beyond that he has a part time job where he tends to work approx 12 hours a week.

The situation our son is in has hurt him deeply and it has caused him to have very low self confidence, is shy and struggles to be motivated in doing much.

We helped our son to buy a home and he has spent the last three years making this home lovely and I now believe he took himself to a place where he could feel comfortable in what he had to encourage a woman and friend to be interested in him.

Our son is a lovely person and it is so hard for him and ourselves to comprehend why no one is interested in him. He has tried to meet people, through us pushing him and has recently been on a dating site, through feeling ready to meet someone and once again had no look at anything he tries.

He has now lost hope and is very depressed and overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do. I am scared he will give up and I am struggling to find a place that could help him feel better socially.

He has been on mood pills for years and I tend to think they make him feel flat. He doesn’t need a counselor, who just writes things down and suggests things he fails to do and I honestly don’t know what will make him feel comfortable with himself.

My son has never had support from anyone (other than ourselves) since he got¬†bipolar¬†20 years ago and I think it’s shocking this is so. He is one very lonely person and I am so worried about him.

Can you suggest something that gives people like him some joy?

I am so tired of trying all the time to fill his cup up.


Mrs X. “

Reply from Rapid Cycling (to which I have yet to receive a response):

“Hi¬†Mrs X,

I am saddened by your son’s¬†story because this has been happening for such a long time.¬†
I agree with you 100%¬†about the pills making him feel flat. From my experience, it is also trauma that makes one feel flat or numb. It’s a very hard thing to deal with.¬†
I can only share with you what I have learned over the past five or so years. 
Firstly, I¬†don’t run¬†the support group any more¬†but I have heard from many people how support and understanding from those in the same boat was so helpful to them.¬†
Secondly, my experience is that psychiatry will simply medicate someone, listen to them a bit but really do nothing except prescribe more drugs to fix the problems. 
Thirdly, a GOOD counsellor will do wonders. Digging at ones core issues are paramount to move beyond what is causing them pain. In many cases one doesn’t even know what their core problem is. Things to think about are what made your son bipolar in the first place all those years ago and/or what happened to him that caused him much distress. If you care to share that with me I am happy to refer you to an appropriate counsellor who might benefit him. ¬†
I have learned that to go through the pain in lieu of simply medicating it (while using medication to help me through) is the only way to shed the old pain. ¬†I am not suggesting to go off medication but merely to work at one’s core issues using medication to help process the memories.¬†Pro-active solution based counselling is SO helpful.
Fourthly, I can recommend GROW. They have a website (grow.org.au I think). They are a mental health support group that are based around the 12 steps but one has the support of other members who can be in touch in between meetings. GROW are a solution based support group and I believe members discuss their problems in a group setting and receive input from other members on solutions. They then report back at the next meeting as to how they went with their problems. GROW meet at many locations around your area.. 
New ways of thinking (not self defeating ways) should be promoted in GROW but if not, it’s important to change how we think. This is a slow process but paramount to get out of one’s dark¬†hole.¬†
I have found that poor ways of thinking stem from dysfunctional behaviours carried down through family generations. A prime example is alcoholism that runs through so many generations. Whether one is drinking or not, it is the behaviours that have been learned and carried on. If you have family members with addictions of any type (except smoking), I can refer you on.  This area is where I have delved the most in my own recovery and am well versed in it.
Fifthly, your son should never give up on the need and want to feel normal. If he’s not happy with his meds, his quality of life and his counsellor he needs to make¬†changes for HE IS WORTH IT.¬†
All too often we think professionals are correct and what they say is gospel. I have learned this not to be so. 
I was diagnosed bipolar and put on all sorts of horrid drugs about 5-6 years ago. I tried to fit the bipolar mould as much as I could but was rediagnosed 2 years later. I was not bipolar after all but lost two years of my life struggling with the side effects of all the medications. 
Your son must want this too, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink ūüôā
In summary, a good counsellor and support from others in the same boat who are also wanting to better themselves in how they behave and think are priceless. These two things should go hand in hand.

Again, I am happy to refer you on if you need it. 
Best of luck,

Rapid Cycling.”

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Trusting Myself

Question 1 Step 2 of the 12 Steps: Have I looked to the sexaholic to satisfy my God hunger? 
Yes I have. I relied on the actions and words of the addicts in my life to tell me if I was doing the right thing. ¬†If I asked them about my actions towards a situation I would treat their answer as gospel. Generally their answer was negative or revolved around things being “my fault”.¬†
Until I was 30 years old I thought my alcoholic dad was always right. I NEVER saw his flaws. 
I remember some years ago there was a big argument and my room got trashed. I was so upset I called my A dad and he asked me what I had done to cause it?  I knew at that time I was relying on the wrong person to help me. I saw the dysfunction and how violence, verbal abuse and addiction had become an accepted way of life for me and my family of origin.
If there was an argument/event with someone at work I would expect the addicts close to me to support me but it never happened that way. I ended up feeling worse, lost and lonely. ¬†I don’t think they knew how to listen and support me. ¬†Today I am clear what I need from someone – “I just need you to listen and support me”.¬†
In relation to not trusting in one’s ability to make the right choices or not knowing at all what to do in situations, I can totally relate to that. ¬†It is like no answer comes to me at all sometimes, there is nothing, it’s empty – I just don’t know what to do. ¬†I understand to an extent why it is that way – I must have “completely” lost my true self as a child. I am certain my caregivers denied me my reality because it suited them both. I had to live the lie along with them because if I didn’t, I would be punished. This is exactly why I must speak up now when faced with evidence of active sexaholism (or with anything really). If I do not, I am continuing the pattern of denial taught to me in childhood and inhibiting my ability to make my own decisions.
I feel I must share a necessary part of my reality here for some reason, a part that does not fit into the above paragraph. Even though I lived the lie my caregivers conditioned me to believe, I was still punished. To this day my mum treats me differently to my siblings. I was (and am) denied a lot of things that my siblings are not. In essence, if I spoke up, I was punished and if I lived the lie, I was punished. 
I have found that the more small decisions I make by myself that affect me, the stronger and more confident I become.Trust in myself is slowly increasing. The choices I’ve made have not always agreed with those around me though and that’s caused me difficulty but I’ve had to stand up and say “no, I’m not comfortable with that” and as a result I’ve been able to grow.
Thanks for listening to me, I greatly appreciate it ūüôā

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