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Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

I have lived with the diseases of sexaholism, codependency and alcoholism for nearly 40 years.

They have broken me many times and brought me to despair.

Sometimes it gets so tiring fighting off these diseases in my life.

They will do what they can to show me I am worthless and useless.

Many times I feel I can’t go on living but my human spirit continues to keep the blood pumping through my veins.

I do not know why I am allowed to wake up and face a new day, why I am not simply taken peacefully in my sleep.

Today I ask the darkness to swallow me up for I do not wish to see tomorrow’s light.

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I know very little about Amy Winehouse but when I read of her death and reports that she had been a drinker, drug taker and self harmer, I wondered what was causing her so much pain.  So I took the time to take a look at what had been reported on her family of origin over the years.

Amy Winehouse with Daddy's Girl Horseshoe & Naked Lady Tatoo

When Amy was 2 years old,  her father Mitch Winehouse reportedly began having a ‘not so secret’ affair for eight years before leaving the family home to be with his secretary/mistress when Amy was 10.  The Winehouse kids used to call their father’s mistress “Daddy’s work wife”.  I can only imagine the emotional pressure Mitch was under trying to maintain a business and keep two women happy at the same time.

She reportedly took the news of the family separation ‘all in her stride’ and it ‘didn’t seem to affect her’ according to her father yet she suddenly became more independent.

I can only imagine the thoughts in her head would have gone something like this:

  • “Can’t trust anyone anymore, need to look after myself now”;
  • “I’m not good enough”;
  • “I am alone”;
  • “Nobody loves me”;
  • “I’ll be good and he will come back”; and
  • “I need to be strong, mum needs my help”.

Fear of abandonment runs very deep and when you have a father that is not emotionally available to you, you do what it takes to get people to notice and love you.

As an adult, it seems Amy went on to seek out emotionally unavailable men, trying to make right the wrongs of her past yet ended up repeating her childhood like so many of us do.

However I do applaud Mitch Winehouse for publicly admitting his wrongs.  He would not be the first parent to walk around with their head in the sand not realising exactly how their actions affect the lives of their children.

If we had more people in the public eye opening up about their parental errors, the world just might start listening.

Mitch Winehouse, the power is in your hands. Let’s not let Amy’s death be in vain.

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As an adult child of an alcoholic I often feel so alone in this world.  Nobody understands me, nobody gets me, nobody will feel the pain and sadness I feel inside.

Imagine a car stalled in the middle of a major highway and all the other cars whizzing by, not noticing it’s there.  It wants some help, so badly wants to get out of the way of the onslaught of others but it cannot do it alone and it’s driver is not strong enough to push it to safety.  Somehow that car needs to get a message to it’s driver to have courage, to take another step forward, to do things differently and to hold out her hand.

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Glimpses – is a compilation of uncensored real life experiences with mental illness
 
Nicci continues to put together a manuscript of personal experiences with mental illness for free distribution to Carers, Consumers, Educators and Clinicians, in hope of increasing awareness and reducing stigma surrounding mental illness and it would benefit greatly from your story. Most contributors indicate it was a very therapeutic exercise writing about their experiences with mental illness.
 
Glimpses is a free updated version and is distributed electronically quarterly (if new stories have been received). Several Universities use this manuscript as a course resource, it is posted on websites nationally and internationally. So only submit your story if you are happy for it to be distributed and forwarded freely.
 
Nicci  invites you to submit your Consumer or Carer story on your personal experiences with: – Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Anorexia, Post Natal Depression, any other MI. She would especially like some stories from people in their late teens and early 20’s.
 
The average length of stories so far are 6 to 15 pages. However there are some that are 3-4 pages, minimum accepted (narrow margins, size 12 Arial font, single spacing).
 
People have told of the lead up to diagnosis, dealing with MH services, medication issues, identifying triggers, working towards recovery and coping strategies. What and how much you want to share is up to you. Use your whole name, first name or a pseudonym, the choice is yours; but please know that your story, however you present it, could make a difference in how the world sees us. See below for contact details.
 
Glimpses & Minds Unleashed are distributed free of charge and encouraged to be printed, forwarded, added to websites, used as a training resource, as long as excerpts and content of the stories are not changed. If you are not happy for this to happen, your submission cannot be included.
To go on the mailing list or submit your story email: forwalls@xi.com.au

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What’s the point of writing a Blog if I can’t talk about the “hard stuff”? Should I gloss my posts over so they don’t trigger people? Yes, maybe a little but there’s no point in hiding the truth from the world because the world won’t understand where it went wrong if people like me fudge the facts. That’s my theory anyway.

So, I’ve felt like garbage the last couple of days.

My PMS has been up the wall for the last three or so months. I’ve had an internal scan but as usual it showed nothing so I’m going to try some natural progesterone cream.

I’ve read a book called “Natural Progesterone, the World’s Best Kept Secret” by Jenny Birdsey and was absolutely gobsmacked at the list of symptoms a woman can go through that relate to a lack of progesterone.

I would never have thought that my mouth ulcers, itchy eyes, constipation, suicidal ideations, night sweats, confusion, memory loss, cold hands and feet and aching bones can be related to a lack of progesterone!

I’ve had bad memory since December 2008 when I was taken off antipsychotics due to a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. When my period decides to pay me a visit (which is every fortnight now) my memory gets even worse not to mention the other side effects that come with the lead up to it. I really only get a few normal days before the symptoms start all over again.

It’s been a ghastly experience to say the least but back to the blog topic “suicidal ideations”.

While I was taking various antipsychotics (not all at one time) between 2006 and 2008, I continued to have suicidal ideations but when I look back now, they were worse than ever. It is my belief that the ideations were worsened by the antipsychotic use but proving that is like finding a needle in a hay stack!

During my treatment was overdosing on high doses of valium, Panadol or antidepressants every fortnight and my moods were definitely not stable.

Once I came off the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers and was re-diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I never overdosed again. For the first six months after the re-diagnosis I never felt suicidal and only twice in 2009 did I have ideations.

This year I’ve had them maybe three times. Once earlier on in the year and one last week and one this weekend. The first two were not acted on, the third was.

Unbeknown to anyone, I took 70mg of benzos yesterday. 70mg is not much but before I took them I wanted to take whatever I could stuff down my throat to end the pain. Nothing could make me see sense, I was so depressed I wanted “out”. Everyone was better off without me.

As usual, when the time comes to swallow, a small voice inside me says “you don’t really want to do that, just take a few to knock you out and see how you feel in the morning” so that’s what I did. I woofed down my pills but it didn’t really have much of an effect because most likely my body is so used to previous valium overdoses that 70mg of benzos was not much competition for it.

I paid for it this morning though. I could not focus on my work, I could not retain a lot of information and I looked like sh*t!

The sooner I get this progesterone cream the better and I hope to God it bloody well works because I’m tired of depression being present in my life and I certainly don’t want suicidal ideations anymore.

I’m off to hunt down some chocolate 🙂

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There is absolutely ZILCH information on the net about what people experience AFTER they have finished taking Zeldox.

Of course studies indicate that long term use of this drug can cause tardive diskinesia (long term tremor) and heart issues but apart from that I have found nothing else or no other articles on what consumers are experiencing once they have ceased taking this drug.

I would say I was on Zeldo 180mg for about 6 months. I am possibly suffering from very mild tardive diskinesia (shaking/tremor) as a result as I never had the shakes prior to taking this drug.

I would also say my short term memory is absolutely shot to the ground! For instance, I would go and make a cup of tea, put the tea bag in the cup, pour the water, squeeze the bag, put the bag in the bin, go back to the cup and wonder where the heck the bag has gone!! (I usually leave it in the cup while I drink). That’s when I realised I really have a problem. It’s been 8 months since i’ve gone completely off Zeldox and my memory is no better. Often I can’t focus/concentrate on things.

ANXIETY

The worst it has ever been and I believe as a result of Zeldox. I have never ever had anxiety like I have it since I went of Zeldox. When I was 30 I had OCD cleaning and checking and then that all subsided with Effexor XR but since I commenced Zeldox I bite my nails down to the quick once a week (it used to be monthly only), I stress very easily, I get very irritable, I have a lot of phobias and I take valium (as needed) 5mg to combat some of these effects.

AGORAPHOBIA

I have never ever suffered from this until I started Zeldox. On Zeldox I could not go out at lunch times monday to friday while working in the city as I could not cope with all the people. I could not cope going to shopping centres either, I was so desperate I wanted to order my groceries online or I needed someone to come with me. I started to go at quiet times to combat this problem. Since I went off the Zeldox I have very mild agoraphobia now which entails some issues with going out at lunch times during working hours and difficulties in busy places. In supermarkets, if I see an isle that is very busy or has children in it I will come back to that isle when it is clear.  Children screaming etc can provoke anxiety in me.

SUICIDIAL IDEALATIONS/COMPULSIVE OVERDOSING

I cannot remember precisely when the compulsions to overdose came but I do know that it was upon commencement of an anti-psychotic. I cannot attribute the suicidal idealations and overdoses to Zeldox alone however they were definately present when I was taking Zeldox and definately became compulsive on Zeldox.  As soon as I ceased the Zeldox in Dec 08 all compulsions and idealations ceased. I have not attempted to overdose for 8 months now. Sure I have felt like it “a couple of times” but not every week or so like it was when on the anti psychotics. Definately a contributing factor to my suicidal intentions, I can be sure of that now being 8 months overdose free and not needing or wanting to numb myself from reality nor trying to knock myself out to supress the depression.

Anyway, write more later, very busy right now, just wanted to share with you some of the things that come to mind that I am still suffering from AFTER finishing this drug.

You might also like my other posts on Zeldox:

  1. After Effects – Anger
  2. Zeldox – A Workers Antipsychotic – with 46 comments and climbing!
  3. Zeldox – Users’ Experiences
  4. WOW – I hate this drug

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I cannot believe I wrote the last post I wrote in Feb 09.  Reading my content shocks me. It reminds me how terrible mental illness is to experience. I never ever want to go back there. I am not like that anymore and never want to be that way again. It saddens me to see what a state I was in and that so many others can identify with it.

My most popular post has been about Zeldox. There is very little information on the web about it, about what WE experience from this drug not what trials say we WILL experience from taking this drug.  I guess I should start writing about my experiences with it a bit more to help others. The only good thing about this drug were 1) it got me out of bed within 24 hours; and 2) it cleared the fog from my mind from the anti-depressants. After that I went down hill very fast once the dose started to increase. It did not stop my mood swings and I KNOW it increased my suicidal tendencies and overdoses. HOW DO I KNOW? because when I went off the drug those tendencies all but disappeared. Sure sometimes I feel like ending it but in 7 months I have not attempted to ONCE. Hate that drug, ruined me and stole a lot from my life when I was taking it….

Will try to post a few more things that have been happening with me shortly. I have not been to this blog for quite some time and I am suprised at the number of hits it has been receiving while i’ve been absent.

Lots to do and lots to tell you! 🙂

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