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Past Photographs

If I have a feeling I was photographed inappropriately as a child, how can I find out for certain? Where can I search for my photo? How do I do that and what websites do I look at?

I would say this exercise would be arduous plus severely triggering for me – but how else am I to prove for certain I was not only a photographer’s sexual object but an object for millions of child sexual predators?

Any input/experiences with this would be greatly appreciated.

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New Years Eve – Another Drama?

Y’know what’s hard and has always been hard? Seeing everyone making plans for New Years Eve. Walking their dogs early, buying up big on food and alcohol, buying nice clothing to wear, their excitement, the crowds, the fireworks and the “Happy New Year” texts at midnight.

Growing up I was never really allowed out to celebrate with everyone else. Everyone was out partying and I was home with my parents listening to it all and feeling left out and alone.

As I got older sure I went out with people to parties or sat with friends but I was never really happy. It was never what it was cracked up to be. I was always miserable because in the back of my mind I was living with a problem, I was living with active sex addiction and it was hard. All I wanted was for it to stop and my life would be better (Step 1 in the 12 Steps to recovery).

For years I lived with emotional pain and suffering, living as mentally ill because I was treated as such and moulding myself into that label.

When living with active sex addiction in my life there was always some sort of drama, an incident which caused me pain and emotional suffering.

There is an enormous amount of New Years Eve baggage for me. I really don’t care for New Years Eve, I’d rather not be reminded of it and as much as I try to have a nice time now (active sex addiction is no longer in my life) I still feel sad, empty and lonely. I’d rather not celebrate it, I’d rather push it to the back of my mind and pretend it’s not there. I cannot wait for it to be over so I can move on with my life.

I can’t say I’ve met many people who feel this way on New Years Eve, perhaps it’s just me and I am truly alone here.

Repressed Anger

Is it really a bad thing that I express my repressed childhood anger towards other people who irritate me?

At least it’s coming out, right? ūüėÄ

Cup of Tea Anyone?

I changed the header on my Facebook page to show a picture of a little girl having a tea party with her toys.

I used to love having a tea party with my imaginary friends when I was young. I had a little plastic tea set and I used to put green cordial in it and serve it to my guests.

It’s a fitting picture, very pretty.

A Flick of “the Switch”

Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am in the present or the past. Did I really see what I thought I saw or was it a dream/flashback? When I am in the past I very often don’t know I’m there until “the switch” flicks over to the present. I can feel the switch, it snaps off very quickly, leaving me in clarity and happiness again. 

Today I lay in waiting for the switch to flick off or maybe it was never on in the first place and I am just delusional. 

Not a day to celebrate

I’ve decided I’m not going to give my dad a Father’s Day gift this year and nor am I going to give him a birthday present a few weeks later.

This will be the first time I have ever done this. I won’t be making the phone call and I won’t be acknowledging the two events to him in any way, shape or form.

Why? Because giving a gift to my abuser is like handing a bunch of flowers to someone who just beat the crap out of me.

I am allowed to be angry at the events in my childhood. They should not have occurred. I entrusted my parents to take care of me, to¬†do what’s best for me and they failed me on many levels

There are still many unexplained events in my past. My journey through sexual abuse is still evolving.

I am not ready to see my dad for all the good things he’s done in my life. I’m not ready to separate the man from the abuse and let the past go.

My¬†non compliance with the norm will likely¬†cause an uproar or turmoil for my family of origin – all of them – my dad, mother and two sisters will be aghast. I will become the “bad one”.¬† My sisters will endure (and take part in) the tirade of remarks about what an ungrateful daughter I am – “of all the things we’ve done for her” etc.

My closest sister is already emotionally detaching from me and there’s nothing I can do about that.

The abuser will slowly chip away at my¬†character , placing ideas in my family’s heads that I am mad, crazy and an ungrateful child. The abuser will slowly but surely turn me into the perpetrator and turn my family against me.

It is important to see it for what it is. This is the nature of the disease of sexual addiction and what sexual abusers do.

I might lose everyone who I grew up with but I must not lose myself and my truth.

Disconnected

I have spent much of my life disconnected from things.

What does that mean? It means feeling numb, without emotion, without opinion, the absence of enjoyment, not really knowing who I am and not feeling connected to my body, needs, wants and desires.

A bit like a living zombie!

I have actually had a few moments where I have felt connected and free. Earlier this year when I made the big decision not to join my family of origin for Christmas Day was one of them. It was my way of standing up and saying that I was no longer going to continue to play the game of denial. I was no longer going to sweep the family secrets under the rug.

My decision saw my connection to self and wonderful carefree feeling last for some weeks but I was subsequently shut down again after an argument that reminded me of abusive treatment in my past. I retreated back into my safe hole.

I’m finding myself curious about feeling like “me” again and I want to experience it more but I do not know how to switch myself¬†back on again.

Perhaps it is something I need to give myself permission to do or perhaps there is another phase in my healing that needs to unravel, I’m not so sure.

I do know that I want to experience more of it. I deserve to experience more of it rather than stay trapped by the abusive experiences of my past.

I no longer want to be a living zombie.

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