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Archive for the ‘Alcoholic Home Life’ Category

I am feeling lonely and depressed tonight.

Let’s look at those feelings for a moment.

Within myself I can feel emptiness, anxiousness, fatigue, pain and numbness like I’m just going through the motions. Tears could break through any moment now.

What could the cause be?

It could relate to my long term use of the antidepressant Efexor XR/Venlafaxine Hydrochloride which is known to cause fatigue, menstrual cycle upsets (that can obviously set off other feelings), anxiety and somnolence among other things.

Or it could be from the trigger I received last week surrounding betrayal and deceit the result of which I have felt numb, empty, dead as a door nail and restless ever since.

It’s very hard to distinguish if I am reacting to a past trauma or suffering from a medicinal side effect given I can tick both boxes.

My bet is on the Efexor XR because of the joint pain and fatigue.

I think it’s time to taper off the Efexor XR so I can finally hit the nail on the head regarding the root cause.

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Hiding from me what you do on your computer late at night continues to reinforce the message I received in childhood that I am not safe, things are not as they seem and what I want is of no consequence.

My grief is so deep. I am dirt to you.

You continue to over power me,  to control and win regardless of what I ask of you.

As long as my environment is not safe I will continue to recoil in fear.

I am an adult trapped in childhood trauma and I trust no-one but myself.

Nobody understands…..

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I figured out today that air from a fan or air conditioner directly blowing on me  triggers an anxiety attack.

This explains why when at a recent meeting I dissociated when the upright fan was continually blowing air my way. It was exactly the same fan we had at home when I was young.

Figuring out why this happens to me is the next piece of the puzzle.

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I have lived with the diseases of sexaholism, codependency and alcoholism for nearly 40 years.

They have broken me many times and brought me to despair.

Sometimes it gets so tiring fighting off these diseases in my life.

They will do what they can to show me I am worthless and useless.

Many times I feel I can’t go on living but my human spirit continues to keep the blood pumping through my veins.

I do not know why I am allowed to wake up and face a new day, why I am not simply taken peacefully in my sleep.

Today I ask the darkness to swallow me up for I do not wish to see tomorrow’s light.

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When I was a young girl I was rarely allowed to do what I wanted.  I wasn’t asked what I thought or needed, I was simply told how it was going to be.

I often begged, cried and screamed for someone to hear me but nobody ever did.

I robotically did what I was told because if I didn’t, I was punished with beatings and solitude.

My mum said I was a trouble maker, stupid, I’d never get anywhere in life, a child, ignorant, know it all, an idiot and hopeless.

My room became my safe haven, my place to be left alone.  Nobody could get me in there, say bad things to me or order me around. I would sit in my room and create my own world that was safe, loving and full of fun. I was worthy, beautiful and popular in my room.

My self worth was destroyed and I tried to get some love very young in life by firstly offering myself to my father, then later latching on to boys and faking injuries so I’d be noticed.

I grew up as a people pleaser with a inner longing to be heard and considered worthy by someone.

I chose a man who was an only child, who unknowingly re-inforced my lack of worth through his deceit, contol and sex addiction.

I’m a follower and a dreamer (of course), stuck in a cycle destined for misery.

I’m back in my room with a soothing hand stroking my hair.  My soul screams “when will I be important to someone, when will they hear me?”

“It will be OK” says God, “I am here and you matter to me”.

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How many times have you heard people say “if only I could go back”? Sure thing I’d reply, but only if I knew then what I know now!

I’ve started bumping into people who I haven’t seen for around four years now. They never fail to comment on how well I am looking.

I smile to myself because they knew me back when I was stuffed with prescription drugs and hiding away from the world. There was rarely a smile and I spent most of my time wishing I wasn’t where I was,  in my head or listening to podcasts on bipolar disorder and depression to keep me company.

Bipolar Nation was my lifesaver. Without Captain Joe’s podcasts I don’t know where I’d be.  It seemed as if he was the only one who understood my suffering. His humour and voice were a great comfort to me for two years while I was being treated for bipolar disorder.

(To listen to Captain Joe’s podcasts click HERE).

I used my Ipod to disconnect from the world around me, to cope with my emotional pain and suffering.

Most of my suffering was the result of the side effects of the drugs I was being prescribed.  You see I wasn’t bipolar at all but I made myself fit that label (that’s another story!).

The side effects of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, antidepressants and benzodiazepines all rolled into one took a toll on my body and I believe they took a toll on my mind too.

I was even prescribed Artane, a drug used to stop the tremors in Parkinson’s Disease sufferers.  Fancy that, a drug to stop the side effects of another drug!

Never do I forget where I’ve been. I am grateful for where I am today but I feel somewhat sad that I don’t have the desire like others to want to go back to my early years.

It is sad that the fond childhood memories I do have do not outshine the negative ones.  The fond memories are not enough to make me wish I could go back in time.

I am so grateful to be where I am today. My past will never leave me but my present and future can only get better.

I give thanks to 12 Step Programs for my new way of living.  They have taught me new problem solving skills which I have been able to share with fellow sufferers of mental illness.

It is my belief that mental illness stems from dysfunction.  What I mean by that is as children we mimic the coping mechanisms of our caregivers.  When our caregivers have unhealthy/dysfunctional coping strategies, we as children learn to manage our difficulties in the same or similar way.  Our parents are our Gods, we trust them and trust that they know best and will tell us the truth and we model our lives on those of our caregivers.

We bring our learned unhealthy coping mechanisms into adulthood. By now they are comfortable and they are all we’ve ever known.

Learning to reverse our old belief systems, our old coping mechanisms and to do things differently and functionally is a long hard journey.

There is only one way to travel a long hard journey and that is forward because like I always say, I’d never go back!

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The inner child feels a lot of  pain and confusion today.

There is a nagging urge to make everything better, but how?

She is overwhelmed with everyone’s problems, she cannot cope.

She cannot fix everything, it is all too much.

Heavy chested, she has failed again.

She wants to run away and hide where nobody can find her;  to be free.

She hangs her head, hoping nobody will notice her.

There is something lurking in the shadows of her soul.

A very subtle guilt and shame nags at her insides.

It has nothing to do with today’s complexities.

A deep sorrowful groan is biding it’s time, waiting to surface.

She knows it is for her dad.  She is sorry she made him drink again.

She will try to do better next time.

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