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I’ve decided I’m not going to give my dad a Father’s Day gift this year and nor am I going to give him a birthday present a few weeks later.

This will be the first time I have ever done this. I won’t be making the phone call and I won’t be acknowledging the two events to him in any way, shape or form.

Why? Because giving a gift to my abuser is like handing a bunch of flowers to someone who just beat the crap out of me.

I am allowed to be angry at the events in my childhood. They should not have occurred. I entrusted my parents to take care of me, to do what’s best for me and they failed me on many levels

There are still many unexplained events in my past. My journey through sexual abuse is still evolving.

I am not ready to see my dad for all the good things he’s done in my life. I’m not ready to separate the man from the abuse and let the past go.

My non compliance with the norm will likely cause an uproar or turmoil for my family of origin – all of them – my dad, mother and two sisters will be aghast. I will become the “bad one”.  My sisters will endure (and take part in) the tirade of remarks about what an ungrateful daughter I am – “of all the things we’ve done for her” etc.

My closest sister is already emotionally detaching from me and there’s nothing I can do about that.

The abuser will slowly chip away at my character , placing ideas in my family’s heads that I am mad, crazy and an ungrateful child. The abuser will slowly but surely turn me into the perpetrator and turn my family against me.

It is important to see it for what it is. This is the nature of the disease of sexual addiction and what sexual abusers do.

I might lose everyone who I grew up with but I must not lose myself and my truth.

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