Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Sexual addiction’

I’ve decided I’m not going to give my dad a Father’s Day gift this year and nor am I going to give him a birthday present a few weeks later.

This will be the first time I have ever done this. I won’t be making the phone call and I won’t be acknowledging the two events to him in any way, shape or form.

Why? Because giving a gift to my abuser is like handing a bunch of flowers to someone who just beat the crap out of me.

I am allowed to be angry at the events in my childhood. They should not have occurred. I entrusted my parents to take care of me, to do what’s best for me and they failed me on many levels

There are still many unexplained events in my past. My journey through sexual abuse is still evolving.

I am not ready to see my dad for all the good things he’s done in my life. I’m not ready to separate the man from the abuse and let the past go.

My non compliance with the norm will likely cause an uproar or turmoil for my family of origin – all of them – my dad, mother and two sisters will be aghast. I will become the “bad one”.  My sisters will endure (and take part in) the tirade of remarks about what an ungrateful daughter I am – “of all the things we’ve done for her” etc.

My closest sister is already emotionally detaching from me and there’s nothing I can do about that.

The abuser will slowly chip away at my character , placing ideas in my family’s heads that I am mad, crazy and an ungrateful child. The abuser will slowly but surely turn me into the perpetrator and turn my family against me.

It is important to see it for what it is. This is the nature of the disease of sexual addiction and what sexual abusers do.

I might lose everyone who I grew up with but I must not lose myself and my truth.

Read Full Post »

I was appalled to read of a statement by the Lawyers for Robert Hughes, former Hey Dad star convicted of child sexual abuse, pleading to the Court for leniency for he had suffered at the hands of negative media attention for “the past month”.

What an insult! Do you really believe that one month in negative media limelight is cause for a reduced sentence and that same constitutes punishment for heinous crimes?

Child sexual abuse has children live with the after effects long after after the event/s have taken place, if not a lifetime.

One month’s negative media attention is no contest and an insult to the survivors of your unacceptable behaviour.

Did the denial of your crimes serve its litigious purpose or have you utterly deceived yourself into thinking that you did nothing wrong?

May you spend your minimum six years in jail reflecting on your pedophilia and working at the core issues that have lead you down this destructive path.

If you exit jail showing awareness of your disease and the willingness to arrest it, only then will I show you understanding. Otherwise, your time spent inside is fruitless.

You have been given a gift by your Higher Power, what you do with that gift is now up to you.

Beating this disease can simply start with two words – “I’m sorry”.  The world is ready to hear it.

Read Full Post »

I’ve created a Rapid Cycling Facebook Page. Feel free to stop on by to pick up some healthy tips and tricks to building a better life 🙂

I’ll be sharing things on 12 Step Recovery, Codependency, Sex, Love & Fantasy Addiction, Co-Addiction, Mental Health, Inner Child, Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families and some great links to related articles and audios.

I’ll still be writing the bulk of my work here though so if you don’t have a Facebook account, click “sign up” to receive my posts in your inbox.

I look forward to reading all your comments and thank you for stopping by 🙂

Read Full Post »

I learned very young to deny my reality, to wish and minimise it away because I didn’t know how to deal with what was put in front of me, the pain was too great for a child to bear on her own.

“Mum – is dad drunk again?  No dear, he’s just sick today.  But mum, he’s swaying all over the place, he smells like beer, he’s angry again?  No he’s sick, don’t worry about it, just get to bloody sleep!”

Oh OK then, it’s not how I see it, I must be wrong, I’m all right, there is no problem, I’m safe.

Move forward twenty years.  “Mum, I don’t understand why my boyfriend never has any money.  I pay for everything, he works but I never see a cent of it?  Well dear, he’s probably got a lot of expenses, things must be hard for him, don’t let those things get you down.”

You can see from the above now ingrained minimising and denying my reality is.  I learned to do it from a very young age so come adulthood, I was faced with situations that were harmful to me but minimised and denied what was in front of me through habit.  I continued to protect myself from my reality as I had learned so well to do as a child.

I continue to be skeptical of sexaholism being apparent in my family of origin.  My father, my grandfather and my great-grandfather had affairs during their marriage and my mum’s father had sexual abuse issues with women and children – so what right?  Affairs are normal aren’t they?  Men think of only one thing don’t they?  That’s what my mum told me.  It was just bad luck I picked a sexaholic as a partner wasn’t it?  When dad whispers to my recovering partner he has three women on the go at once and feels like he’s struck gold why do I still not see that he is a sexaholic?  I feel so naive.  Family history and past events are slapping me right in the face but I refuse to accept that evidence.

I think for me to believe it I need for him to admit he is a sexaholic.  I need to hear the whole kit and caboodle.  I need to hear it from the horse’s mouth, I need to hear him say he has a problem and he needs help.  Trouble is, he thinks multiple partners are “gold” so I doubt I’ll be receiving any admissions from him in the near future.

I”ve discussed him attending a 12 Step Program for sexaholics before but he gets so anxious at any suggestion of it.  You see, he too has spent years denying and minimising his reality but with the added factor of alcohol helping to numb his pain.

On writing this post I’ve had a light bulb moment.  In securing my father’s admittance to his sexaholism it’s quite possible I’m looking for someone to blame for me attracting a sexaholic partner later in life and I’m needing my father to validate my reality as I see it.

 I can see I still have a lot of work to do on trusting myself.

Read Full Post »

As I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and various OCD symptoms such as the need to have things orderly, clean and perfect, I was wondering whether love and sex addiction is classed a form of OCD.

Some experts believe that sexual addiction is literally an addiction, directly analogous to alcohol and drug addictions. Other experts believe that sexual addiction is actually a form of obsessive compulsive disorder and refer to it as sexual compulsivity.

The American Psychiatric Association has proposed that out-of-control sexual appetites be included as a diagnosis in the next edition of the psychiatrists’ bible, the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,” to be published in 2013.

I located a very helpful article outlining the difference between sexual thoughts and compulsions being an addiction or an obsessive compulsive disorder. It is of course only one person’s view on the subject.

Here’s an extract of the article which summarises the outcome:

It cannot be overemphasized that the sexual obsessions in OCD are the opposite of the usual sexual daydream or fantasy. Normal sexual fantasies are enjoyable and generally harmless. They may consist of wishes or memories of past sexual experiences. However, the sexual ideation in OCD is unpleasant and distressing. The individual with OCD does not want the thought to become real. The idea of acting out the obsession fills the OCD victim with dread. Sexual obsessions in OCD rarely produce sexual arousal because anxiety and arousal cannot occupy the same space. As a result, OCD usually decreases sex drive. OCD sexual obsessions result in guilt, shame, and interfere with ocial functioning or work. Source:

Love Addiction

While I am unable to speak for the sex addict, to my knowledge and experience, love addicts (who can also act out sexually) do not have decreased sexual desire when in the midst of their fantasy or addiction nor do their experiences feel unpleasant or distressing.

I am lead to believe that love addiction stems from unmet childhood needs.  For example, codependent mum is too busy with alcoholic dad to worry about children therefore children use fantasy as a way to meet their unmet needs and as escapism from a difficult family environment.

There are various types of love addicts, here’s a link to help you figure out which one you might be: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_addiction

Healing from Sex/Love Addiction

Start by getting a good counsellor who is familiar with sex and love addiction and get involved in a 12 Step Program such as SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous), SAnon (for love addicts and partners of sex addicts) or SA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) – for the sex addict). You will find the links to these Programs on my home page.  All three Programs have online support forums if you are unable to attend a face to face meeting.

Try reading as much material as you can about your addiction/s. Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody is a book that is highly regarded in the industry as are books on sex and love addiction by Patrick Carnes. Literature by both authors can be purchased from Amazon.com.

I tried for years to figure out what my problem was and I even sought help from the psychiatric industry for my thoughts, only to be medicated with antipsychotics for them and diagnosed with bipolar disorder (I believe my experience is very common).

It took me until I was 38 to realise that my fantasies were not a normal part of life. They used to (and still can) cause me the deepest depression and despair to the point where I wanted to self harm.

Early this year I accompanied my partner to a face to face SLAA meeting where I heard members speak about their experiences with sex and love addiction. Their stories hit me hard but also gave me great relief. They were talking about my life, I was one of them!  Finally I had found an answer to my problem. I was not alone.  My recovery journey began.

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: