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Posts Tagged ‘Inner Child’

I’m so tired, you know what I mean?

The brain says “push yourself” or “stop being so lazy” but the body says “rest” and “take a break”.

The brain is very often not satisfied with the extent of work the body has put in for the day. It says “you didn’t get to clean the toilet” or “you didn’t vacuum the house, what a disgrace” and “it was a good day today BUT you didn’t get to wash the dishes”.

See, my brain is often set on “critical parent mode”. What I do will never be good enough for my (critical) parent.

Fighting the critical parent is very tiring. It is like having a mini war inside my head.

Taking time out for myself by just doing nothing is a big “no no” for the critical parent. I am “wasting time” and “my life is slipping away” and my all time favourite “you’ll never get anywhere in life”.

Fighting the critical parent is not the only war going on inside my head either. There is “what is he REALLY doing today” and “who is he REALLY with” and “you’re going to have a busy day at work tomorrow” and “oh, it’s Monday tomorrow, what a drag”. There’s also “you’ll never get through this sexual abuse stuff” and “your family are talking behind your back” and “you’ll never get off this medication”.

With all this brain activity, is it any wonder we get so tired? Find it hard to get out of bed? Can’t pick up the vacuum cleaner or just plain don’t want to go out?

If you know what I’m talking about then lets join forces and cut ourselves some slack.

We have all been through and are going through a lot.  It’s time to show ourselves some compassion and understanding. Wouldn’t we say the same for someone else in our situation? Hell yeah.

Today it is OK to give ourselves permission to do nothing. We are not going to wilt away and die, we are not going to lose that big opportunity and we are not going to eventuate into nothing if we just take a break.

There is a high probability that when I am on my death bed one day I won’t be scolding myself for not vacuuming the house – I’ll be scolding myself for not doing all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life!

Let us comfort our inner child and tell them that a break is OK, they are allowed to rest.

Our inner child is worth it, they ARE important, they ARE precious, they ARE loved.

The guilt of our critical parent will break us if we allow it to.

Today I will do what my inner child wants to do, I will not do any chores.

I will bake, watch some TV and pat my dogs.

The only person that can tell me I’m not allowed is ME.

Watch out for that….

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The inner child feels a lot of  pain and confusion today.

There is a nagging urge to make everything better, but how?

She is overwhelmed with everyone’s problems, she cannot cope.

She cannot fix everything, it is all too much.

Heavy chested, she has failed again.

She wants to run away and hide where nobody can find her;  to be free.

She hangs her head, hoping nobody will notice her.

There is something lurking in the shadows of her soul.

A very subtle guilt and shame nags at her insides.

It has nothing to do with today’s complexities.

A deep sorrowful groan is biding it’s time, waiting to surface.

She knows it is for her dad.  She is sorry she made him drink again.

She will try to do better next time.

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I know you are there;

I search deep within my soul;

To find another clue;

A smell, a piece of clothing, surroundings;

Anything to take me one step further to your face;

My eyes bore into nothingness;

Trying hard to draw a memory from my subconscious;

But I cannot;

Is it true that trauma has stopped me from remembering you, them or it?;

Or am I just clawing at something that is not there?;

It makes sense that you abused me as a child;

My behaviour today reflects the truth;

But my eyes and heart won’t let me see;

God, show me who you are and what you did;

So I can set myself free;

And heal my inner child.

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I’ve created a Rapid Cycling Facebook Page. Feel free to stop on by to pick up some healthy tips and tricks to building a better life 🙂

I’ll be sharing things on 12 Step Recovery, Codependency, Sex, Love & Fantasy Addiction, Co-Addiction, Mental Health, Inner Child, Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families and some great links to related articles and audios.

I’ll still be writing the bulk of my work here though so if you don’t have a Facebook account, click “sign up” to receive my posts in your inbox.

I look forward to reading all your comments and thank you for stopping by 🙂

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There’s a hole in my bucket dear Liza dear Liza, there’s a hole in my bucket dear Liza, a hole”.

My grandmother used to sing that children’s song when I was young but little did I know I would have a hole in my bucket (my soul) when I grew up because my caregivers were so focussed on each other and my father’s alcoholism they were emotionally unavailable to me.

As a result I developed coping mechanisms, ways to help me feel loved, wanted and accepted for who I am.  I tried to fill the gaping  hole in my soul  the only way I knew how as a child, by self medicating through fantasy and role-playing.

In essence, I stuck a band aid over my hole when I needed love and comforting.

Band aid’s eventually wear thin and get replaced with new ones, sometimes bigger and stronger.

I still carry my band aid close to my chest but it has served little purpose except to temporarily patch up my underlying problem – pain, loneliness and an inner longing to be loved, accepted and wanted by my family. 

I can scream, rant and rave that life’s not fair but it won’t change the fact that I cannot go back to my childhood to ask my caregivers to meet my un-met needs.

It is now up to me to fill the hole in my soul by reaching out to a power greater than myself to provide me with the love and acceptance denied of me in childhood.

I can do this by reading 12 Step and self-help literature, attending 12 Step meetings, talking to other members and/or attending counselling.

As I watch a few grains of yellow sand fall into my bucket I am reminded of what a slow process this journey is and every now and again the band aid comes away and I am reminded of the deep despair I carry within.

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When I was young I was pretty good at drawing birds and dogs.  My dad used to compliment me all the time.  Today I can’t draw for peanuts!  I try and try to get my talent back but it’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with me?

I Wanna Go Home!

I have no patience yet expect to produce masterpieces.  All I seem to come up with is child like pictures with no definition.  I have so many colours in my head but am unable to express them in an artistic ADULT way.

It’s so frustrating!  I so badly want to be good at something.  I have been desperately trying to find something I’m talented at.  I’m dabbling in all kinds of arts and crafts but where is my brilliance?

Perhaps I am seeking the approval of someone and pushing a lost cause or maybe I desperately want admiration from the outside world?  Am I setting myself up for failure by setting my sights too high (self sabotage)? These are things I need to consider in-depth.

I’m really down on myself today.  I’m having a pity party and I want to go home.  It’s safer at home, there are no meaningful responsibilities there.  Mum and dad will make all the decisions for me, cook and clean and earn the money.  I long for the time when all I have to worry about is taking out the garbage.

I wanna go home, please let me go home!

 

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There is nobody here to share my sorrow

There is nobody here to cut the ball and chain of my responsibilities, my chores

To allow me to run and play like a carefree child, to think of happy things and make daisy chains in the sun

When will someone hear my cry?

You walk away and leave me alone to deal with my internal sadness, you desert me

Who is here to soothe my pain, to love me and tell me it will be all right?

Only God, but Dad said God does not exist

So I am alone

I get tired of fighting for acceptance, to be heard, to be understood and to be unconditionally loved

But most of all I get tired of fighting to be considered, to be thought of and cared for

You cannot look at me, you stare away or down at the ground

You no longer care what happens, you are not interested in my words unless they are happy ones

I am an adult yes, but I am still a lonely child

It’s deja vu, its history repeating itself.

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