A fellow Program member shared something with me that has been very valuable when I find myself unable to control dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
They said “A normal person wouldn’t put their finger in an electric pencil sharper because they know they will get hurt but people like us do it time and time again”.
I think of this analogy a lot especially when self harm plays on my mind or when entertaining the idea that the object/s of my desire will save me, make me their princess, look after me and meet my emotional needs by filling the hole in my soul. It has stopped me many a time from running to someone who will only cause me heartache and pain, someone I think I can “fix” or physically and emotionally love enough that they will change. I am guilty of being a heavy fixer of others for a long time. Fixing takes the focus off “me” and puts it on the other person. I don’t need to look at my issues and others see me as “a good person” when I am helping them. Fixing esteems me but I must learn to esteem myself through practising self love. Sticking my finger in an electric pencil sharpener is not self love and is a disastrous merry-go-round that I must remind myself of on a regular basis.
My childhood experiences denied me the parental love, acceptance and validation I needed in order to blossom into a healthy adult and as a consequence I’m needing to fill the holes my parents left me with by seeking out relationships with people who are not emotionally available to me but who relate to me on an unconscious level due to their own dysfunctional upbringing.
The electric pencil sharpener analogy also gives me something to compare to and aspire towards. I want to be like others, I want to be “normal”.
Someone once told me that the only “normal” I’ll ever find is in my laundry on my washing machine but there are certain behaviors I need to fine tune or rid myself of so I can live a happy functional life – that’s the “normal” I’m aspiring to be.
Rapid Cycling 