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Posts Tagged ‘distorted reality’

Distorted reality – a very influential situation for me and has been all my life.

My parents distorted my reality by making me (the child) believe that my sexual abuse was made up. That was 1978 but the distortion began way before then, when I was lead to believe that the alcoholic didn’t have a drinking problem.

Slowly slowly they chipped away at the block (my mind) until I started to think something was wrong with me.  I thought I was like my schizophrenic grandmother, I had a mental illness and nobody told me otherwise.

I buried what happened to me because I had no way of processing it, no validation, no support and no love and acceptance. I was simply defective.

Move forward 15 years where I met a sex addict.  He told me all sorts of distortions and when I questioned them my thoughts were dismissed as unreasonable. I began to put to him that something was wrong with me and he didn’t argue with that.

Move forward another 15 years where I’m working in a workplace that hushes truth and rewards bad behaviour to pacify employees.

My head is spinning so fast, I don’t understand what is happening here – I question my reality time and time again as I do not believe in myself. Am I sane, why are they not listening to me, something must be wrong with me, why do they not address the problems here….

How do I right this in my mind to stop the spinning. Over and over again it goes until I am overwhelmed with exhaustion and confusion. It is easier to just play the game of distortion and all will be well.

But it won’t be “well”.  it is time to take a stand, to stand up to the manipulator who keeps me in my position using accolades, to stand up to the injustice and distortion by simply walking away and saying “no more”.

I am scared, worried, frightened and beating myself up emotionally – rewind 40 years.

R.C

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Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am in the present or the past. Did I really see what I thought I saw or was it a dream/flashback? When I am in the past I very often don’t know I’m there until “the switch” flicks over to the present. I can feel the switch, it snaps off very quickly, leaving me in clarity and happiness again. 

Today I lay in waiting for the switch to flick off or maybe it was never on in the first place and I am just delusional. 

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