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Posts Tagged ‘disconnected’

I have spent much of my life disconnected from things.

What does that mean? It means feeling numb, without emotion, without opinion, the absence of enjoyment, not really knowing who I am and not feeling connected to my body, needs, wants and desires.

A bit like a living zombie!

I have actually had a few moments where I have felt connected and free. Earlier this year when I made the big decision not to join my family of origin for Christmas Day was one of them. It was my way of standing up and saying that I was no longer going to continue to play the game of denial. I was no longer going to sweep the family secrets under the rug.

My decision saw my connection to self and wonderful carefree feeling last for some weeks but I was subsequently shut down again after an argument that reminded me of abusive treatment in my past. I retreated back into my safe hole.

I’m finding myself curious about feeling like “me” again and I want to experience it more but I do not know how to switch myself back on again.

Perhaps it is something I need to give myself permission to do or perhaps there is another phase in my healing that needs to unravel, I’m not so sure.

I do know that I want to experience more of it. I deserve to experience more of it rather than stay trapped by the abusive experiences of my past.

I no longer want to be a living zombie.

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