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Posts Tagged ‘childhood trauma’

Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am in the present or the past. Did I really see what I thought I saw or was it a dream/flashback? When I am in the past I very often don’t know I’m there until “the switch” flicks over to the present. I can feel the switch, it snaps off very quickly, leaving me in clarity and happiness again. 

Today I lay in waiting for the switch to flick off or maybe it was never on in the first place and I am just delusional. 

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I have spent much of my life disconnected from things.

What does that mean? It means feeling numb, without emotion, without opinion, the absence of enjoyment, not really knowing who I am and not feeling connected to my body, needs, wants and desires.

A bit like a living zombie!

I have actually had a few moments where I have felt connected and free. Earlier this year when I made the big decision not to join my family of origin for Christmas Day was one of them. It was my way of standing up and saying that I was no longer going to continue to play the game of denial. I was no longer going to sweep the family secrets under the rug.

My decision saw my connection to self and wonderful carefree feeling last for some weeks but I was subsequently shut down again after an argument that reminded me of abusive treatment in my past. I retreated back into my safe hole.

I’m finding myself curious about feeling like “me” again and I want to experience it more but I do not know how to switch myself back on again.

Perhaps it is something I need to give myself permission to do or perhaps there is another phase in my healing that needs to unravel, I’m not so sure.

I do know that I want to experience more of it. I deserve to experience more of it rather than stay trapped by the abusive experiences of my past.

I no longer want to be a living zombie.

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I am feeling lonely and depressed tonight.

Let’s look at those feelings for a moment.

Within myself I can feel emptiness, anxiousness, fatigue, pain and numbness like I’m just going through the motions. Tears could break through any moment now.

What could the cause be?

It could relate to my long term use of the antidepressant Efexor XR/Venlafaxine Hydrochloride which is known to cause fatigue, menstrual cycle upsets (that can obviously set off other feelings), anxiety and somnolence among other things.

Or it could be from the trigger I received last week surrounding betrayal and deceit the result of which I have felt numb, empty, dead as a door nail and restless ever since.

It’s very hard to distinguish if I am reacting to a past trauma or suffering from a medicinal side effect given I can tick both boxes.

My bet is on the Efexor XR because of the joint pain and fatigue.

I think it’s time to taper off the Efexor XR so I can finally hit the nail on the head regarding the root cause.

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Hiding from me what you do on your computer late at night continues to reinforce the message I received in childhood that I am not safe, things are not as they seem and what I want is of no consequence.

My grief is so deep. I am dirt to you.

You continue to over power me,  to control and win regardless of what I ask of you.

As long as my environment is not safe I will continue to recoil in fear.

I am an adult trapped in childhood trauma and I trust no-one but myself.

Nobody understands…..

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Just to set the mood for you, I’m in a bit of a state while I’m writing this.

Y’see when I was young my mother always used to tell me I had to go to work rain, hail or shine when I grew up.  She instilled in me a tough work ethic which started with chores around the house and taking on responsibilities at an early age. 

Whilst some of you might think this is a good thing, I think it is to an extent however now in my adult life I find it hard to “play” as my inner child would call it or simply do something fun or for myself.

I have a terrible procrastination problem, a fear of failure so I either don’t start something, half do things or just dream of what I’m going to do when I have time.

I try very hard to at least do a few things every weekend for “me” such as pottering around in my nice garden that took me some time to get up to scratch, doing some recovery reading, walking my dogs or reading part of a novel. 

I never get to do what I’ve been dreaming of doing though.   My trouble is that I need to be tied to the chair when I’m doing “me” things because I feel guilty spending time on what I see as non productive tasks and it doesn’t help when my dear partner (who is going through an addiction recovery process) reinforces my childhood by telling me I need to throw this and that away or there is too much clutter in the house. 

At times my poor body jumps up automatically and rushes to fix what he’s not happy with.  That’s me reverting to my childhood reactions when being told by my parents to do my chores quick smart or you have to work before you can go out to play.

I do my best, I work five days a week while he stays at home and works on himself.  My work around the house is all right in my opinion, the place looks fairly good.  There’s no more clutter than other people’s homes I imagine.  The place is neat and clean, food is on the table every night and the important bills get paid.

It is my understanding that the addict tries to control others in their life because they can’t control their addiction.  They try to sort everyone else out because they can’t look at themselves. 

Well, I’m damn sick of it!  I’m sick of trying to have thick skin or a strong back bone trying to fight someone who tells me things should be this way or that way. 

Sometimes I get so angry I bite back (which we as partners are not meant to do) and an argument ensues.  I end up curling up in a little ball and wishing my life away because nobody hears me, nobody lets me do what I want to do and my things end up getting smashed. 

Such a repetition of childhood and my progress today is that I can see it, I can feel it and I don’t want it in my life.  How to stop it, I don’t know.

I geared myself up all week to do some craft, something for me and I was half way there but now my sewing machine is broken from someone’s frustration and anger, exactly like when dad used to stop me from playing the stereo he made me for my birthday by taking the lead away and telling me it belonged to “him”.

I need to get off this merry-go-round.

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