Just to set the mood for you, I’m in a bit of a state while I’m writing this.
Y’see when I was young my mother always used to tell me I had to go to work rain, hail or shine when I grew up. She instilled in me a tough work ethic which started with chores around the house and taking on responsibilities at an early age.
Whilst some of you might think this is a good thing, I think it is to an extent however now in my adult life I find it hard to “play” as my inner child would call it or simply do something fun or for myself.
I have a terrible procrastination problem, a fear of failure so I either don’t start something, half do things or just dream of what I’m going to do when I have time.
I try very hard to at least do a few things every weekend for “me” such as pottering around in my nice garden that took me some time to get up to scratch, doing some recovery reading, walking my dogs or reading part of a novel.
I never get to do what I’ve been dreaming of doing though. My trouble is that I need to be tied to the chair when I’m doing “me” things because I feel guilty spending time on what I see as non productive tasks and it doesn’t help when my dear partner (who is going through an addiction recovery process) reinforces my childhood by telling me I need to throw this and that away or there is too much clutter in the house.
At times my poor body jumps up automatically and rushes to fix what he’s not happy with. That’s me reverting to my childhood reactions when being told by my parents to do my chores quick smart or you have to work before you can go out to play.
I do my best, I work five days a week while he stays at home and works on himself. My work around the house is all right in my opinion, the place looks fairly good. There’s no more clutter than other people’s homes I imagine. The place is neat and clean, food is on the table every night and the important bills get paid.
It is my understanding that the addict tries to control others in their life because they can’t control their addiction. They try to sort everyone else out because they can’t look at themselves.
Well, I’m damn sick of it! I’m sick of trying to have thick skin or a strong back bone trying to fight someone who tells me things should be this way or that way.
Sometimes I get so angry I bite back (which we as partners are not meant to do) and an argument ensues. I end up curling up in a little ball and wishing my life away because nobody hears me, nobody lets me do what I want to do and my things end up getting smashed.
Such a repetition of childhood and my progress today is that I can see it, I can feel it and I don’t want it in my life. How to stop it, I don’t know.
I geared myself up all week to do some craft, something for me and I was half way there but now my sewing machine is broken from someone’s frustration and anger, exactly like when dad used to stop me from playing the stereo he made me for my birthday by taking the lead away and telling me it belonged to “him”.
I need to get off this merry-go-round.
I cried when I read your post and thought who this could be my words too. Thank you for sharing your honesty! It’s been a lonely place for me lately and I often have been writting about how alone I am and how lay curled up in a ball. keep fighting… keep writting!!!!
Thank you L. I appreciate so much knowing that I’m not alone and others understand what I’m talking about 🙂
Peace and serenity to you.
L
I think it’s a great start that you see a need for change and that you’re able to say, ‘This isn’t right. This isn’t what I want.” Fixing it? Yep that’s the challenge. It seems like you already know what you want, it’s a matter of how to achieve it and to remind yourself that you deserve better. Growing up before we’re supposed to is very hard and as you can see affects how we react as adults and what we think we should do. My mother was a “Don’t sry because crying is weakness” person and that kind of stuff can stick with you.
I like that you are seeing the need to take care of you for once, that’s so good! Have you had any thoughts since you posted this on how you can achieve what you want?
Thanks Tai. I’ll post an update in a sec 🙂 It’s such a slow process is it not :S
I thought I could have written this myself if I was able to express it so well, with not a word changed. Am in the doldrums myself at the moment, unfocused, tired and feeling made of a swirl of shapeless currents at the bottom of a dark pond; at the same time, intense mental energy and thoughts going round in circles. At best over the years I’ve learned to recognise such states as part of the flux of my life and try, hard as it is, to remember that they’re transitory. Also that for better and worse they’re part of who I am, and I’ve stopped wishing them away as that seems to add insult to injury: nothing works and “How to stop it, I don’t know” is a starting point: amelioriation is perhaps a realistic goal. Writing about and sharing feelings is also good, especially perhaps when it’s the last thing you want to do. Action, activity against the pull of inclination can work wonders once the momentum after the first step is achieved: the mind often follows the body and so do feelings which are themselves shaped by the mind. At the moment, I’m half way through so many things, have abandoned or not started so much, that I’m contemplating just choosing the one thing I really want to do, if I can ever find it in the swirl, and giving my all to that. Take care.
Thank you Rambling Man, tis good to know I am not alone at this time. Yes, to recognise the repetition and to do it differently is the aim I guess (must ask my Sponsor about that one). After the rant and rave at home (in adulthood) I found my body jump up and go and tidy the darn laundry closet because that’s what dear husband was intially complaining about. 3/4’s of a way through I thought what the hell am I doing? I should have just left it alone and did it another time when I was able. See, the little kid in me was jumping to attention after she said her piece – which the majority of the time nobody heard her anyway!! Sh*t right :S