What a night i’ve had. I’m writing this post in the hope that no one in my family reads it. I’ve made the mistake of telling them my blog address and every now and then they go to it to check out what i’ve been writing. I’ve thought about closing my blog down due to privacy reasons (ie: work knows my blog address, my friends know my blog address and my sisters know my blog address and my partner knows my blog address) but I don’t want to lose my readers and all the hard work i’ve put into getting this thing up and running.
What have I got to be ashamed of right? I’m not ashamed of having bipolar disorder but I am ashamed of what I did last night. I took a plethora of drugs to take away my miserable existence and boy did I regret it the next morning. I was vomitting and felt physically and mentally unwell.
Why did I do it? Because I know my life will end one day, it’s just a question of when. I can’t see myself living past a certain point in life. I can’t see myself getting old and living out my partner. It’s got to the stage where I know it’s coming but I just don’t know what’s going to tip me over the edge. I didn’t even want to take the drugs last night, I just did it, I wanted to make myself sleep, to block out the pain and to get back at my partner for running the trolley into my foot. How ridiculous is that? It takes something so small to tip me off.
You see, I have a problem, I don’t seem to value my life anymore. There is nothing that keeps me here. It used to be my pets and I would worry what they would do without me but now even that doesn’t phase me. I’m sure they will forget me in good time and my partner will give them a good life, a life they deserve.
My partner asked me why I was sick this morning and I told him I didn’t know, to save him the pain of knowing what I did.
I know I need help but where can I go? My psychiatrist who i think is fantastic only has 10 minutes for me when I see him, the public system is so clogged up there is no adequate time for patients’ real needs. It’s a “here’s the drugs, take these and see you next time” type of visit. I tried to get a private psychiatrist but he was so booked out he wouldn’t accept me and who wants to pay $120.00 a pop to talk about themselves every few weeks? It puts a strain on the bank balance to say the least.
I’m ashamed, very ashamed that I did what I did, I cringe at the thought of it and want to curl up in a ball and hope that it all goes away.
Around 2,000 Australians die from suicide each year and there is no doubt depression is a major cause. Of those who have killed themselves, many have experienced depression or bipolar disorder. For every person who dies from suicide, at least another 30 people attempt suicide.
Suicide is the major cause of premature death among people with mental illness. Up to ten per cent of people affected by mental illness kill themselves. However many of those who have attempted suicide, or who have seriously thought about killing themselves, will – with medical intervention, counselling, social support and time – go on to live full, productive lives.
Contributing factors
Contributing factors to suicide may include:
- Depression – many people who suicide have experienced depression. This may be the result of another mental illness.
- Psychosis – some people suicide because they are confused as a result of their hallucinations, or because they want to get away from the symptoms.
- Drugs and alcohol – abuse of marijuana, heroin, amphetamines and alcohol is closely related to suicidal behaviour.
Suicide warning signs
The majority of people who suicide give warning signs about their intentions. Some of the warning signs are:
- Expressions of hopelessness or helplessness.
- An overwhelming sense of shame or guilt.
- A dramatic change in personality or appearance, or irrational or bizarre behaviour.
- Changed eating or sleeping habits.
- A severe drop in school or work performance.
- A lack of interest in the future.
- Written or spoken notice of intention to commit suicide.
- Giving away possessions and putting their affairs in order.
If you have suicidal thoughts
It is very important to remember that thoughts about harming yourself or suicide are just thoughts. They do not mean you have to actually harm yourself.
There are a number of ways in which you can tackle suicidal thoughts:
- Tell your doctor or other sympathetic people. If your thoughts are associated with depression, delusions or other symptoms, a change in medication and treatment may help get rid of them.
- Keep a list of people you can telephone as well as the numbers for Lifeline and similar services. Make an agreement with one or more people that you will call them if you actually plan to attempt suicide.
- Remember you do not have to act on suicidal thoughts and that they will pass in time.
I’m going on a holiday in a month’s time to the Sunshine Coast and i’ve been looking forward to it immensely. Just to get away from the bitter winter and doom and gloom. I’ve been holding out for my holiday for weeks now knowing full well that when I get back i’ll have nothing to look forward to. That will be a challenge in itself. There’s always christmas but that’s such a depressing time for me. The presents are the most exciting part of Christmas.
Re the above information about having an agreement with one or more people that you can call if you actually plan to commit suicide, I think this is a good idea however it is not one that I practice because I don’t like to bother other people with my problems. You may feel the same as me or you may be lucky enough to have a close relationship with someone who you can trust to call in a time of need. I have a close relationship with a friend who I can call anytime I feel down but she has just had a baby and I don’t want to bother her with my worries as she now has worries of her own.
Life is rather like a tin of sardines – we’re all of us looking for the key.
Hi. I’m writing from The Jed Foundation which works nationally to reduce the rate of suicide and the prevalence of emotional distress among college and university students. We are presenting The Jerry Greenspan Student Voice of Mental Health Award for college students who have had mental health issues like the one’s you write about on your site and wanted for you to help spread the word.
The award is for a video on their experiences with mental health issues and how they are working to raise awareness and encourage their peers on the issue. The award includes a $2,000 scholarship, a trip to NYC to our annual gala in June 2009, recognition through our site and events and possibly appearing on MTVU. The info is on our site (link below).
We are interested in having you post the information on your blog. We are also interested in having folks write about the importance of doing work like this and show casing, if you will, this award we are presenting.
Thank you so much for your time and feel free to email me. I’d like to talk further about how we can work together.
http://jedfoundation.org/programs/student-voice-of-mental-health-award
Eman Rimawi
Just found your blog and wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I did the same thing as you a while back and it’s such a lonely place to be. I got sick afterwards as well. I posted about it at http://chunksofreality.blogspot.com/2008/02/it-time-to-be-real.html.
I have been feeling better lately and I want you to know that you will feel better as well. Don’t lose hope.
Let me know if you need anything. I am happy to help. *hugs*
Dear Lisa, I know what it is to tread there. I just wanted to let you know that I am hoping and wishing that things pick up for you. I have time I didn’t expect to have and sometimes a bit of me deeply resents that. I pray you to get some help soon.
What I am clumsily trying to say is that I am sending positive thoughts to you,
Philippa
Hi Lisa
Just found your blog. So sorry to hear that things are rough, I really hope they get better soon, and I mean that.
Good Thoughts
Lola x
Thanks so much for your comment bippidee, I really appreciate it. It’s good to know that someone else feels the way I do. I know I can get some help and I think I might, it’s just the cost factor that gets in the way all the time and the local psychiatric ward doesnt want to admit me because I suppose i’m not considered a serious enough case for them. Plus my partner can’t cope with it all and it makes it harder for me to cope there as well.
Thanks again,
Lisa
Hi Lisa
Glad you made it through the night. Stumbled across your blog this morning and just wanted to say that I know where you’re coming from. I feel that I’m living on borrowed time now. Not particularly depressed anymore but the suicidal ideation is still there most days. It wouldn’t take too much to tip the balance and part of me wishes something bad would happen just so I had that excuse. My cats do give me a reason to carry on, but last year even they couldn’t help me and I ended up on a ward after taking an OD. My friends were shocked because I’d given no indication that anything was wrong. Like you, I don’t like to bother them, especially as these thoughts occur so often. They were very hurt though, to know that I’d been struggling and hadn’t asked them for help.
I’m not going to urge you to get help because you seem to have plenty of insight into how you’re feeling and what sort of risk you’re at right now. You know what’s best for you. But these thoughts do pass eventually as you know. I often find them quite comforting in a perverse sort of way, because I know that I don’t have to act on them. They’re like my security blanket.
take care
bippidee