I forgot to mention in my post below about coming off Zeldox and experiencing anger.

The anger started pretty much as soon as the drug was out of my system. I must say I had never experienced this type of anger before in my life.  I would virtually “explode” if someone upset me, I would scream at the top of my lungs and I did not give a hoot who heard me, I would throw things and smash things, my partner was stunned to say the least. I would roar and get out of control and my face would pulsate and distort.

I would say my anger issues continued for about 4 months. I knew I had a problem with anger when I hit a stranger in the street for bumping into me. I punched him in the arm because he did not say sorry.

I pushed infront of people in the street, I snapped at people when they were slow or in my way, I targeted those who I saw as vulnerable people as I figured I would be able to get away with  my bad attitude. I also gave shop assistants a very hard time by giving them what I saw as deserved lessons in customer service skills. Often in full public view and earshot too. I did not care who was around me or what they heard when I expressed my anger in public.

I can not say how my anger issues subsided. I do recall though feeling some relief after joining Alanon (I am a child of an alcoholic) and releasing the burden of carrying other people’s problems on my shoulders gave me some relief. Letting people own their own issues and me taking ownership of mine was a great help to me.

I have noticed that I still do have a little explode button though. When pushed enough it will activate all by itself and leave me with no control over what I say or do. Something I guess in time I will have to combat.

There is absolutely ZILCH information on the net about what people experience AFTER they have finished taking Zeldox.

Of course studies indicate that long term use of this drug can cause tardive diskinesia (long term tremor) and heart issues but apart from that I have found nothing else or no other articles on what consumers are experiencing once they have ceased taking this drug.

I would say I was on Zeldo 180mg for about 6 months. I am possibly suffering from very mild tardive diskinesia (shaking/tremor) as a result as I never had the shakes prior to taking this drug.

I would also say my short term memory is absolutely shot to the ground! For instance, I would go and make a cup of tea, put the tea bag in the cup, pour the water, squeeze the bag, put the bag in the bin, go back to the cup and wonder where the heck the bag has gone!! (I usually leave it in the cup while I drink). That’s when I realised I really have a problem. It’s been 8 months since i’ve gone completely off Zeldox and my memory is no better. Often I can’t focus/concentrate on things.

ANXIETY

The worst it has ever been and I believe as a result of Zeldox. I have never ever had anxiety like I have it since I went of Zeldox. When I was 30 I had OCD cleaning and checking and then that all subsided with Effexor XR but since I commenced Zeldox I bite my nails down to the quick once a week (it used to be monthly only), I stress very easily, I get very irritable, I have a lot of phobias and I take valium (as needed) 5mg to combat some of these effects.

AGORAPHOBIA

I have never ever suffered from this until I started Zeldox. On Zeldox I could not go out at lunch times monday to friday while working in the city as I could not cope with all the people. I could not cope going to shopping centres either, I was so desperate I wanted to order my groceries online or I needed someone to come with me. I started to go at quiet times to combat this problem. Since I went off the Zeldox I have very mild agoraphobia now which entails some issues with going out at lunch times during working hours and difficulties in busy places. In supermarkets, if I see an isle that is very busy or has children in it I will come back to that isle when it is clear.  Children screaming etc can provoke anxiety in me.

SUICIDIAL IDEALATIONS/COMPULSIVE OVERDOSING

I cannot remember precisely when the compulsions to overdose came but I do know that it was upon commencement of an anti-psychotic. I cannot attribute the suicidal idealations and overdoses to Zeldox alone however they were definately present when I was taking Zeldox and definately became compulsive on Zeldox.  As soon as I ceased the Zeldox in Dec 08 all compulsions and idealations ceased. I have not attempted to overdose for 8 months now. Sure I have felt like it “a couple of times” but not every week or so like it was when on the anti psychotics. Definately a contributing factor to my suicidal intentions, I can be sure of that now being 8 months overdose free and not needing or wanting to numb myself from reality nor trying to knock myself out to supress the depression.

Anyway, write more later, very busy right now, just wanted to share with you some of the things that come to mind that I am still suffering from AFTER finishing this drug.

I cannot believe I wrote the last post I wrote in Feb 09.  Reading my content shocks me. It reminds me how terrible mental illness is to experience. I never ever want to go back there. I am not like that anymore and never want to be that way again. It saddens me to see what a state I was in and that so many others can identify with it.

My most popular post has been about Zeldox. There is very little information on the web about it, about what WE experience from this drug not what trials say we WILL experience from taking this drug.  I guess I should start writing about my experiences with it a bit more to help others. The only good thing about this drug were 1) it got me out of bed within 24 hours; and 2) it cleared the fog from my mind from the anti-depressants. After that I went down hill very fast once the dose started to increase. It did not stop my mood swings and I KNOW it increased my suicidal tendencies and overdoses. HOW DO I KNOW? because when I went off the drug those tendencies all but disappeared. Sure sometimes I feel like ending it but in 7 months I have not attempted to ONCE. Hate that drug, ruined me and stole a lot from my life when I was taking it….

Will try to post a few more things that have been happening with me shortly. I have not been to this blog for quite some time and I am suprised at the number of hits it has been receiving while i’ve been absent.

Lots to do and lots to tell you! Lisa

I need help. I reach out to people all the time, they just don’t understand or they don’t want to be involved. Some of my friends and family have deserted me. I have pushed my partner away because I have shut down into my own little world because I can’t deal with the pain of reality. He left for work today and didn’t say good bye. I am as low as one can go and just don’t know who to turn to. I reach out to him to solve our relationship problems but I have put him down so often he is not there for me or cannot be there for me.  It seems if I keep going on like this I will eventually crack. I don’t know what sort of help I am looking for. I do see a psychologist but I find it very hard to implement the ideas he provides me with. I must be looking for a quick fix to alleviate the pain. I’ll be searching for a very long time for that i’m sure.

It’s been a while since i’ve written here but much has happened I can assure you of that.

You will notice I have charted my symptoms at the header of my blog. These are a month and a half’s worth of symptoms which have helped me immensely in the past few weeks.

It all started when I decided to chart my symtoms because I felt my psychiatrist wasn’t listening to me or understood how much I was suffering each day. I found a brochure for my local health centre that did counselling on the cheap so I thought I might give them a call. The health nurse gave me a 40 minute interview over the phone to see if I was eligible for counselling with the Centre. It turned out because I had bipolar disorder it was too complex for them and they referred me onto a GP in my local area who could refer me onto a psychologist and give me a mental health plan so I could receive the rebate from Medicare for my counselling sessions.

I made an appointment with the GP and told him I was not happy with my current psychiatrist because I felt he wasn’t listening to me and I wanted a referral to another one. He referred me to his mate in Brunswick who evaluated me for 50 minutes. I gave him my symptom chart. At the end of the evaluation he would not tell me his diagnosis nor discuss anything further with me except by saying “I think you have a type of bipolar disorder”. He insisted on speaking to my current psychiatrist and relaying his findings to him and suggested I keep with my current psychiatrist who knew my history and who I had been seeing for 2 1/2 years. I tried to squash out some information using my legal training but he was very tight lipped so I left totally confused and despondent.

My current psychiatrist subsequently telephoned me and said he had been contacted by this second psychiatrist and they had both agreed that I should reduce my dose of Zeldox by half to stop the shaking and music in my head. I did as I was told.

Reducing the Zeldox did not help with my shaking and I was still getting suicidal thoughts so I rang my current psychiatrist and told him it was not helping. He said “I can’t help you anymore, you have to check yourself into the hospital and they can assess you further from there”.

So off I went to see the Crisis Assessment Team at Sunshine Hospital where I stayed from 11.30am until 7.15pm that day.

At first I thought they were a bunch of idiots because the psychiatric nurse said to me “I can’t understand why your psychiatrist has sent you here”. I asked him had he rung my psychiatrist and he said his collegue had.  I explained my symptoms and gave him a copy of my symptoms list.

He subsequently returned and conducted a full evaluation of my past history. It was then that he dropped the bombshell “I do not think you have bipolar disorder”.  Freaking hell I thought, these people don’t know what they are talking about, how could it be that I don’t have it but i’ve been treated for it for 2 years. He asked me if I had any “highs” and I said no. From my symptoms list he did not see any evidence of me being psychotic. I told him that apart from the excessive spending incident listed in my symptoms list, I had never been psychotic. This was the basis for his diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

You cannot imagine the relief lifted from my shoulders when I was told that. I have left this post half done sitting in my blog drafts since December. I’ve never had the motivation to finish it until today.

I saw the head psychiatrist who also confirmed that she thought I did not have bipolar disorder. I was told to get off the anti-psychotics and go and see the CAT team psychiatrist in a few days for a full evaluation and find myself a psychologist. That was imperative after hearing my history.

I went and saw him and he also thought I did not have bipolar disorder. He was moving towards a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. He confirmed that I should come off the anti-psychotics and see a psychologist as soon as possible.

During my visit to the hospital and the CAT team psychiatrist I was shaking uncontrollably. I could not stop. I learned later from my psychologist that the CAT team psychiatrist was considering a diagnosis of tardive diskinesia – a shaking disorder associated with the use of anti-psychotics. While I have been off the anti-psychotics since late Dec 08, I still have a slight tremmor which was not in existence before I started taking Zeldox.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist now, he does not think I have bipolar disorder either.

Basically I have been incorrectly treated for bipolar disorder for two years. Had it not been for my symptoms list that I created I believe I would still be none the wiser and I do not know if I would be alive today.

Since coming off the anti-psychotics my everyday symptoms have dramatically reduced however I am still very troubled, angry and depressed. It is however better going through what I went through on Zeldox. I now often withdraw from my surroundings and entertain myself in my own little world.  I have distanced myself from my partner and my relationship is feeling great strain.  I go around with a miserable look on my face and snap at strangers who irritate me. These are all things that were not apparent in my life before I started taking Zeldox.

I believe the incompetence of my former psychiatrist has hampered my recovery and contributed to unnecessary pain and suffering and loss of the good things in life.

Perhaps some of you may think “How could she think she was bipolar when she had no highs or psychotic episodes?”. The answer is that I was a newcomer to bipolar disorder, I knew very little about it and had no experience with the illness. Every symptom I experienced I thought was the illness rather than a side effect of a drug. I was naive and ignorant and believed a diagnosis from a  man with so many years experience in mental health.

I did confront my former psychiatrist in early January 09 about the conflicting diagnosis. He said to me “You don’t have bipolar disorder Lisa, you have depression”.  What really disappointed me the most about his sudden change of mind about my diagnosis was that during one of my former visits to him he told me that just because I had a mental illness it didn’t mean I was slow or in any way incapacitated. I can do what every normal person can do he said. If that were the case, why did he try to pull the wool over my eyes in Jan 09 by saying I did not have bipolar disorder? Because he could and because he thought he could get away with it because I was mentally ill. He really didnt see me as a normal person after all.

After being an outpatient of the hospital for about I week I returned to work and got told i’d been made redundant. I do not believe I was made redundant to cut costs because in a firm of 400 employees, I was told by HR that only three people had been made redundant.  It was a blessing in disguise really because I had always struggled to cope with the pressure associated with the job mixed with the continuing side effects of the anti-psychotics.

Now I have a new job with a lovely firm with no pressure whatsoever. It is a six month temporary contract but it is allowing me to slowly rebuild my life. I am never one to give up and I have reached out so many times to so many people for help but no one has been able to obliterate the pain and emotional turmoil I am going through.

The system has let me down.

I am seeing a psychiatrist through the public system. He continually tells me I am well now after 15 months. I get so perplexed by his reasonings I decided to write down my moods every day for a month and show him what I go through each day. I refuse to believe I am “well now” and will not give up until I get the message through that I need something to change because I am not normal.

It’s an interesting exercise and I highly recommend it especially because you can get in touch with your own moods and feelings and you can show people exactly what is going on in your life on a day to day basis.

SCALE I HAVE USED

0-3 = mild, 4-6 = moderate, 7-10 = extreme

To view my symptoms click on the “Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder” page in the header of my blog. Let me know what you think.

It’s been interesting to see how my period affects my bipolar symptoms too. I really need to see a specialist in this area as well.

Due to this symptoms list I have made I took the initiative to call my local health centre in the hope of getting some cheap counselling. While they could not counsel me as I had a mental illness they recommended a local doctor to me who could do a mental health plan so I could receive a goverment rebate for psychological services from the psychologist of my choice. 

I went along to the appointment which at my pressuring lasted 45 minutes (he was dying to get me out the door to see his other patients), didn’t get my mental health plan but did get a referral to a new psychiatrist.

Today I rang the new psychiatrist that i’ll be seeing on Friday to find out how long my appointment would last for and I was told 45 minutes to 1 hour. I nearly fell off my seat! My current psychiatrist never sees me for that long. I get 10-15 minutes at the MOST. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll bring along my list of symptoms and hopefully it will allow him to treat me accordingly.

What a night i’ve had. I’m writing this post in the hope that no one in my family reads it. I’ve made the mistake of telling them my blog address and every now and then they go to it to check out what i’ve been writing. I’ve thought about closing my blog down due to privacy reasons (ie: work knows my blog address, my friends know my blog address and my sisters know my blog address and my partner knows my blog address) but I don’t want to lose my readers and all the hard work i’ve put into getting this thing up and running.

What have I got to be ashamed of right? I’m not ashamed of having bipolar disorder but I am ashamed of what I did last night. I took a plethora of drugs to take away my miserable existence and boy did I regret it the next morning. I was vomitting and felt physically and mentally unwell.

Why did I do it? Because I know my life will end one day, it’s just a question of when. I can’t see myself living past a certain point in life. I can’t see myself getting old and living out my partner. It’s got to the stage where I know it’s coming but I just don’t know what’s going to tip me over the edge. I didn’t even want to take the drugs last night, I just did it, I wanted to make myself sleep, to block out the pain and to get back at my partner for running the trolley into my foot. How ridiculous is that? It takes something so small to tip me off.

You see, I have a problem, I don’t seem to value my life anymore. There is nothing that keeps me here. It used to be my pets and I would worry what they would do without me but now even that doesn’t phase me. I’m sure they will forget me in good time and my partner will give them a good life,  a life they deserve.

My partner asked me why I was sick this morning and I told him I didn’t know, to save him the pain of knowing what I did.

I know I need help but where can I go? My psychiatrist who i think is fantastic only has 10 minutes for me when I see him, the public system is so clogged up there is no adequate time for patients’ real needs.  It’s a “here’s the drugs, take these and see you next time” type of visit. I tried to get a private psychiatrist but he was so booked out he wouldn’t accept me and who wants to pay $120.00 a pop to talk about themselves every few weeks? It puts a strain on the bank balance to say the least.

I’m ashamed, very ashamed that I did what I did, I cringe at the thought of it and want to curl up in a ball and hope that it all goes away.

Around 2,000 Australians die from suicide each year and there is no doubt depression is a major cause. Of those who have killed themselves, many have experienced depression or bipolar disorder. For every person who dies from suicide, at least another 30 people attempt suicide.

Suicide is the major cause of premature death among people with mental illness. Up to ten per cent of people affected by mental illness kill themselves. However many of those who have attempted suicide, or who have seriously thought about killing themselves, will – with medical intervention, counselling, social support and time – go on to live full, productive lives.

Contributing factors
Contributing factors to suicide may include:

• Depression - many people who suicide have experienced depression. This may be the result of another mental illness.
• Psychosis - some people suicide because they are confused as a result of their hallucinations, or because they want to get away from the symptoms.
• Drugs and alcohol - abuse of marijuana, heroin, amphetamines and alcohol is closely related to suicidal behaviour.

Suicide warning signs
The majority of people who suicide give warning signs about their intentions. Some of the warning signs are:

• Expressions of hopelessness or helplessness.
• An overwhelming sense of shame or guilt.
• A dramatic change in personality or appearance, or irrational or bizarre behaviour.
• Changed eating or sleeping habits.
• A severe drop in school or work performance.
• A lack of interest in the future.
• Written or spoken notice of intention to commit suicide.
• Giving away possessions and putting their affairs in order.

If you have suicidal thoughts
It is very important to remember that thoughts about harming yourself or suicide are just thoughts. They do not mean you have to actually harm yourself.

There are a number of ways in which you can tackle suicidal thoughts:

• Tell your doctor or other sympathetic people. If your thoughts are associated with depression, delusions or other symptoms, a change in medication and treatment may help get rid of them.
• Keep a list of people you can telephone as well as the numbers for Lifeline and similar services. Make an agreement with one or more people that you will call them if you actually plan to attempt suicide.
• Remember you do not have to act on suicidal thoughts and that they will pass in time.

I’m going on a holiday in a month’s time to the Sunshine Coast and i’ve been looking forward to it immensely. Just to get away from the bitter winter and doom and gloom. I’ve been holding out for my holiday for weeks now knowing full well that when I get back i’ll have nothing to look forward to. That will be a challenge in itself. There’s always christmas but that’s such a depressing time for me. The presents are the most exciting part of Christmas.

Re the above information about having an agreement with one or more people that you can call if you actually plan to commit suicide, I think this is a good idea however it is not one that I practice because I don’t like to bother other people with my problems. You may feel the same as me or you may be lucky enough to have a close relationship with someone who you can trust to call in a time of need. I have a close relationship with a friend who I can call anytime I feel down but she has just had a baby and I don’t want to bother her with my worries as she now has worries of her own.

Life is rather like a tin of sardines – we’re all of us looking for the key.

Children born to older fathers face a greater chance of developing bipolar disorder, according to one of the largest studies linking mental illness with advanced paternal age.

Previous research has connected schizophrenia and autism with older dads, and a Danish study published last year added bipolar disorder to the list.

The new study, led by researchers at Sweden’s Karolinska Institute, strengthens the evidence.

The leading theory is that older men’s sperm may be more likely to develop mutations. Even so, the odds of a person becoming bipolar are so low the study’s authors said it shouldn’t dissuade older men from becoming fathers.

Researchers analysed Swedish national registry data from more than 80,000 people, including 13,428 with bipolar disorder who were born between 1932 and 1991.

The risks started increasing around age 40 but were strongest among those 55 and older. Children born to these dads were 37 per cent more likely to develop bipolar disorder than those born to men in their 20s.

They also faced more than double the risk of developing bipolar disorder before age 20. Scientists call that early onset disease, and while they have long known bipolar disorder tends to run in families, early onset disease has been thought to be most strongly linked with genetics.

The age of the mothers didn’t appear to be much of a factor.

While the findings don’t explain what might cause some older men to have bipolar children, it “reinforces the notion that there’s a strong biological component to this,” said Dr Harold Pincus, vice-chair of psychiatry at Columbia University.

Lifetime risks for it have been estimated at roughly 1 per cent to 4 per cent. The study results suggest that having an older father might increase that slightly.

The findings aren’t definitive, but even if the link proves to be real, Pincus noted that still means most people with older fathers won’t ever get bipolar disorder.

Sperm are produced throughout a man’s lifetime, and scientists believe as men age there is a greater chance for mutations that could contribute to disorders in their children.

Advanced paternal age also has been linked with birth defects, and some sperm banks have age limits for donors because of that.

While listening to Marilyn Manson today I found myself wondering whether he had any hidden messages in his music and whether people who hear hidden messages in music have a mental illness.

I googled it and found out that backward messages in music (commonly known as Backward Masking) have been a controversy ever since the late 60’s when messages were found backwards on some Beatles albums that hinted Paul McCartney had died. The controversy raged extensively in the late 70’s and early 80’s when religious fundamentalists claimed that Satan possessed the minds of singers causing them to insert messages backwards into albums.

I vaguely remember a case of subliminal messages in music held against Judas Priest. The band was involved in a civil action that alleged they were responsible for the suicide attempts in 1985 of 20-year old James Vance and 19-year old Ray Belknap in USA;. On December 23 1985 Vance and Belknap got intoxicated then went to a playground at a Lutheran church in Reno. Belknap shot himself dying instantly, and Vance followed, but survived with a severely disfigured face. He died three years later after a suicidal overdose of painkillers.

The mens’ parents and their legal team alleged that a subliminal message of “do it” had been included in the Judas Priest song “Better By You Better Than Me”.  They alleged the command in the song triggered the suicide attempt. The case was eventually dismissed.

I am a heavy metal/emo fan and I came across this article printed in the Canberra Times that indicated that teenagers’ taste in music is associated with antisocial behaviour, vulnerability to suicide and drug use.

University of Queensland School of Music senior lecturer Felicity Baker and Kids in Mind Research director William Bor investigated if music could trigger mental health problems among young people.

It came after 16-year-old friends Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier committed suicide in Melbourne.

”In the aftermath of the double suicide of two teenage girls in 2007, the media linked the themes of emo music and the girls’ mental state,” Dr Baker said in a paper published in Australasian Psychiatry.

”Emo music short for emotional music typically expresses the outpouring of emotions usually associated with relationship break-ups or other tragic events. But it is not just emo music that has been the subject of scrutiny by the media.

”Rap music, country and heavy metal have also been blamed for antisocial behaviours, including violence, theft, promiscuity and drug use.”

Dr Baker and Dr Bor reviewed the findings from several studies to determine if music could trigger drug use, violence, antisocial behaviour and suicide among young people. ”Preference for heavy metal music and rap music correlate with a range of antisocial and other behaviour,” Dr Baker said.

”While the research does not suggest that music causes such behaviours, it may well be that music preference is indicative of an underlying emotional disturbance or vulnerability. In fact, the research found that those adolescents with antisocial behaviour who listened to heavy metal music felt disconnected, lacked a stable identity, and had low self-esteem.

”Anger, violence and misogyny were especially associated with rap music. Similarly heavy metal music, particularly for girls, was associated with self-harm or suicidal ideation.”

Dr Baker said more research was needed to determine whether music preferences of those with mental health issues differed markedly from the general adolescent population.

I’ve been a fan of heavy metal music for many years and thinking back now I associated it with a release of emotions and a way to express my defiance in life’s situations, not with self harm or suicidal ideation. Come to think of it I was a bit promiscuous and theiving in my teenage years too.

I can understand why researchers found that heavy metal music indicates an underlying emotional disturbance or vulnerability but I can’t understand why it’s so important to research the connection. After all, the research did find that the music does not cause drug use, violence, antisocial behaviour and suicide among young people. You will never get rid of heavy metal music. Surely taxpayer’s money could be used more effectively like providing more mental health services to the population.

I really hate it when people say I should smile more.

For those who don’t know me, I have a serious demeanour. I don’t remember always having this demeanour but certainly over the past few years I have come to notice it more and more. It could be a result of my bipolar disorder or it could be just the way I am.

I often feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and this is reflected through my face and body language.

I get really annoyed when people take it upon themselves to offer friendly advice like “smile a little more”, “don’t be so serious” and the classic “you always look so sour” or “hello happy”.

I accept my demeanour and know it’s hard to change so why can’t other people? Don’t they realise that I have things bothering me or sometimes I am happy but my demeanour doesn’t reflect this? It’s just that when I am thinking or my face is relaxed I look very serious.

I don’t make friends easily. The majority of my friends are from my partner’s side of the fence. It’s been a few years since i’ve met someone on the train or bus. I am shy to approach people. It’s been 8 months at work and still I haven’t fostered any close relationships.

Good friends say they don’t notice that I don’t smile often but others like my partner (who still can’t come to terms with it) and my old bosses offer that friendly advice on how to improve myself.

I feel like telling them to shove it!