More on Zeldox, Ziprasidone, Geodon After Effects – Anger

I forgot to mention in my post below about coming off Zeldox and experiencing anger.

The anger started pretty much as soon as the drug was out of my system. I must say I had never experienced this type of anger before in my life.  I would virtually “explode” if someone upset me, I would scream at the top of my lungs and I did not give a hoot who heard me, I would throw things and smash things, my partner was stunned to say the least. I would roar and get out of control and my face would pulsate and distort.

I would say my anger issues continued for about 4 months. I knew I had a problem with anger when I hit a stranger in the street for bumping into me. I punched him in the arm because he did not say sorry.

I pushed infront of people in the street, I snapped at people when they were slow or in my way, I targeted those who I saw as vulnerable people as I figured I would be able to get away with  my bad attitude. I also gave shop assistants a very hard time by giving them what I saw as deserved lessons in customer service skills. Often in full public view and earshot too. I did not care who was around me or what they heard when I expressed my anger in public.

I can not say how my anger issues subsided. I do recall though feeling some relief after joining Alanon (I am a child of an alcoholic) and releasing the burden of carrying other people’s problems on my shoulders gave me some relief. Letting people own their own issues and me taking ownership of mine was a great help to me.

I have noticed that I still do have a little explode button though. When pushed enough it will activate all by itself and leave me with no control over what I say or do. Something I guess in time I will have to combat.

Zeldox/Geodon/Ziprasidone – After Effects

There is absolutely ZILCH information on the net about what people experience AFTER they have finished taking Zeldox.

Of course studies indicate that long term use of this drug can cause tardive diskinesia (long term tremor) and heart issues but apart from that I have found nothing else or no other articles on what consumers are experiencing once they have ceased taking this drug.

I would say I was on Zeldo 180mg for about 6 months. I am possibly suffering from very mild tardive diskinesia (shaking/tremor) as a result as I never had the shakes prior to taking this drug.

I would also say my short term memory is absolutely shot to the ground! For instance, I would go and make a cup of tea, put the tea bag in the cup, pour the water, squeeze the bag, put the bag in the bin, go back to the cup and wonder where the heck the bag has gone!! (I usually leave it in the cup while I drink). That’s when I realised I really have a problem. It’s been 8 months since i’ve gone completely off Zeldox and my memory is no better. Often I can’t focus/concentrate on things.

ANXIETY

The worst it has ever been and I believe as a result of Zeldox. I have never ever had anxiety like I have it since I went of Zeldox. When I was 30 I had OCD cleaning and checking and then that all subsided with Effexor XR but since I commenced Zeldox I bite my nails down to the quick once a week (it used to be monthly only), I stress very easily, I get very irritable, I have a lot of phobias and I take valium (as needed) 5mg to combat some of these effects.

AGORAPHOBIA

I have never ever suffered from this until I started Zeldox. On Zeldox I could not go out at lunch times monday to friday while working in the city as I could not cope with all the people. I could not cope going to shopping centres either, I was so desperate I wanted to order my groceries online or I needed someone to come with me. I started to go at quiet times to combat this problem. Since I went off the Zeldox I have very mild agoraphobia now which entails some issues with going out at lunch times during working hours and difficulties in busy places. In supermarkets, if I see an isle that is very busy or has children in it I will come back to that isle when it is clear.  Children screaming etc can provoke anxiety in me.

SUICIDIAL IDEALATIONS/COMPULSIVE OVERDOSING

I cannot remember precisely when the compulsions to overdose came but I do know that it was upon commencement of an anti-psychotic. I cannot attribute the suicidal idealations and overdoses to Zeldox alone however they were definately present when I was taking Zeldox and definately became compulsive on Zeldox.  As soon as I ceased the Zeldox in Dec 08 all compulsions and idealations ceased. I have not attempted to overdose for 8 months now. Sure I have felt like it “a couple of times” but not every week or so like it was when on the anti psychotics. Definately a contributing factor to my suicidal intentions, I can be sure of that now being 8 months overdose free and not needing or wanting to numb myself from reality nor trying to knock myself out to supress the depression.

Anyway, write more later, very busy right now, just wanted to share with you some of the things that come to mind that I am still suffering from AFTER finishing this drug.

WOW looking back now at all my posts I cannot believe how far I have come!

I cannot believe I wrote the last post I wrote in Feb 09.  Reading my content shocks me. It reminds me how terrible mental illness is to experience. I never ever want to go back there. I am not like that anymore and never want to be that way again. It saddens me to see what a state I was in and that so many others can identify with it.

My most popular post has been about Zeldox. There is very little information on the web about it, about what WE experience from this drug not what trials say we WILL experience from taking this drug.  I guess I should start writing about my experiences with it a bit more to help others. The only good thing about this drug were 1) it got me out of bed within 24 hours; and 2) it cleared the fog from my mind from the anti-depressants. After that I went down hill very fast once the dose started to increase. It did not stop my mood swings and I KNOW it increased my suicidal tendencies and overdoses. HOW DO I KNOW? because when I went off the drug those tendencies all but disappeared. Sure sometimes I feel like ending it but in 7 months I have not attempted to ONCE. Hate that drug, ruined me and stole a lot from my life when I was taking it….

Will try to post a few more things that have been happening with me shortly. I have not been to this blog for quite some time and I am suprised at the number of hits it has been receiving while i’ve been absent.

Lots to do and lots to tell you! Lisa

I Need Help

I need help. I reach out to people all the time, they just don’t understand or they don’t want to be involved. Some of my friends and family have deserted me. I have pushed my partner away because I have shut down into my own little world because I can’t deal with the pain of reality. He left for work today and didn’t say good bye. I am as low as one can go and just don’t know who to turn to. I reach out to him to solve our relationship problems but I have put him down so often he is not there for me or cannot be there for me.  It seems if I keep going on like this I will eventually crack. I don’t know what sort of help I am looking for. I do see a psychologist but I find it very hard to implement the ideas he provides me with. I must be looking for a quick fix to alleviate the pain. I’ll be searching for a very long time for that i’m sure.

Get Ready to be Amazed at Australia’s Mental Health System

It’s been a while since i’ve written here but much has happened I can assure you of that.

You will notice I have charted my symptoms at the header of my blog. These are a month and a half’s worth of symptoms which have helped me immensely in the past few weeks.

It all started when I decided to chart my symtoms because I felt my psychiatrist wasn’t listening to me or understood how much I was suffering each day. I found a brochure for my local health centre that did counselling on the cheap so I thought I might give them a call. The health nurse gave me a 40 minute interview over the phone to see if I was eligible for counselling with the Centre. It turned out because I had bipolar disorder it was too complex for them and they referred me onto a GP in my local area who could refer me onto a psychologist and give me a mental health plan so I could receive the rebate from Medicare for my counselling sessions.

I made an appointment with the GP and told him I was not happy with my current psychiatrist because I felt he wasn’t listening to me and I wanted a referral to another one. He referred me to his mate in Brunswick who evaluated me for 50 minutes. I gave him my symptom chart. At the end of the evaluation he would not tell me his diagnosis nor discuss anything further with me except by saying “I think you have a type of bipolar disorder”. He insisted on speaking to my current psychiatrist and relaying his findings to him and suggested I keep with my current psychiatrist who knew my history and who I had been seeing for 2 1/2 years. I tried to squash out some information using my legal training but he was very tight lipped so I left totally confused and despondent.

My current psychiatrist subsequently telephoned me and said he had been contacted by this second psychiatrist and they had both agreed that I should reduce my dose of Zeldox by half to stop the shaking and music in my head. I did as I was told.

Reducing the Zeldox did not help with my shaking and I was still getting suicidal thoughts so I rang my current psychiatrist and told him it was not helping. He said “I can’t help you anymore, you have to check yourself into the hospital and they can assess you further from there”.

So off I went to see the Crisis Assessment Team at Sunshine Hospital where I stayed from 11.30am until 7.15pm that day.

At first I thought they were a bunch of idiots because the psychiatric nurse said to me “I can’t understand why your psychiatrist has sent you here”. I asked him had he rung my psychiatrist and he said his collegue had.  I explained my symptoms and gave him a copy of my symptoms list.

He subsequently returned and conducted a full evaluation of my past history. It was then that he dropped the bombshell “I do not think you have bipolar disorder”.  Freaking hell I thought, these people don’t know what they are talking about, how could it be that I don’t have it but i’ve been treated for it for 2 years. He asked me if I had any “highs” and I said no. From my symptoms list he did not see any evidence of me being psychotic. I told him that apart from the excessive spending incident listed in my symptoms list, I had never been psychotic. This was the basis for his diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

You cannot imagine the relief lifted from my shoulders when I was told that. I have left this post half done sitting in my blog drafts since December. I’ve never had the motivation to finish it until today.

I saw the head psychiatrist who also confirmed that she thought I did not have bipolar disorder. I was told to get off the anti-psychotics and go and see the CAT team psychiatrist in a few days for a full evaluation and find myself a psychologist. That was imperative after hearing my history.

I went and saw him and he also thought I did not have bipolar disorder. He was moving towards a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. He confirmed that I should come off the anti-psychotics and see a psychologist as soon as possible.

During my visit to the hospital and the CAT team psychiatrist I was shaking uncontrollably. I could not stop. I learned later from my psychologist that the CAT team psychiatrist was considering a diagnosis of tardive diskinesia – a shaking disorder associated with the use of anti-psychotics. While I have been off the anti-psychotics since late Dec 08, I still have a slight tremmor which was not in existence before I started taking Zeldox.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist now, he does not think I have bipolar disorder either.

Basically I have been incorrectly treated for bipolar disorder for two years. Had it not been for my symptoms list that I created I believe I would still be none the wiser and I do not know if I would be alive today.

Since coming off the anti-psychotics my everyday symptoms have dramatically reduced however I am still very troubled, angry and depressed. It is however better going through what I went through on Zeldox. I now often withdraw from my surroundings and entertain myself in my own little world.  I have distanced myself from my partner and my relationship is feeling great strain.  I go around with a miserable look on my face and snap at strangers who irritate me. These are all things that were not apparent in my life before I started taking Zeldox.

I believe the incompetence of my former psychiatrist has hampered my recovery and contributed to unnecessary pain and suffering and loss of the good things in life.

Perhaps some of you may think “How could she think she was bipolar when she had no highs or psychotic episodes?”. The answer is that I was a newcomer to bipolar disorder, I knew very little about it and had no experience with the illness. Every symptom I experienced I thought was the illness rather than a side effect of a drug. I was naive and ignorant and believed a diagnosis from a  man with so many years experience in mental health.

I did confront my former psychiatrist in early January 09 about the conflicting diagnosis. He said to me “You don’t have bipolar disorder Lisa, you have depression”.  What really disappointed me the most about his sudden change of mind about my diagnosis was that during one of my former visits to him he told me that just because I had a mental illness it didn’t mean I was slow or in any way incapacitated. I can do what every normal person can do he said. If that were the case, why did he try to pull the wool over my eyes in Jan 09 by saying I did not have bipolar disorder? Because he could and because he thought he could get away with it because I was mentally ill. He really didnt see me as a normal person after all.

After being an outpatient of the hospital for about I week I returned to work and got told i’d been made redundant. I do not believe I was made redundant to cut costs because in a firm of 400 employees, I was told by HR that only three people had been made redundant.  It was a blessing in disguise really because I had always struggled to cope with the pressure associated with the job mixed with the continuing side effects of the anti-psychotics.

Now I have a new job with a lovely firm with no pressure whatsoever. It is a six month temporary contract but it is allowing me to slowly rebuild my life. I am never one to give up and I have reached out so many times to so many people for help but no one has been able to obliterate the pain and emotional turmoil I am going through.

The system has let me down.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder

I am seeing a psychiatrist through the public system. He continually tells me I am well now after 15 months. I get so perplexed by his reasonings I decided to write down my moods every day for a month and show him what I go through each day. I refuse to believe I am “well now” and will not give up until I get the message through that I need something to change because I am not normal.

It’s an interesting exercise and I highly recommend it especially because you can get in touch with your own moods and feelings and you can show people exactly what is going on in your life on a day to day basis.

SCALE I HAVE USED

0-3 = mild, 4-6 = moderate, 7-10 = extreme

To view my symptoms click on the “Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder” page in the header of my blog. Let me know what you think.

It’s been interesting to see how my period affects my bipolar symptoms too. I really need to see a specialist in this area as well.

Due to this symptoms list I have made I took the initiative to call my local health centre in the hope of getting some cheap counselling. While they could not counsel me as I had a mental illness they recommended a local doctor to me who could do a mental health plan so I could receive a goverment rebate for psychological services from the psychologist of my choice. 

I went along to the appointment which at my pressuring lasted 45 minutes (he was dying to get me out the door to see his other patients), didn’t get my mental health plan but did get a referral to a new psychiatrist.

Today I rang the new psychiatrist that i’ll be seeing on Friday to find out how long my appointment would last for and I was told 45 minutes to 1 hour. I nearly fell off my seat! My current psychiatrist never sees me for that long. I get 10-15 minutes at the MOST. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll bring along my list of symptoms and hopefully it will allow him to treat me accordingly.

Sharing With You

What a night i’ve had. I’m writing this post in the hope that no one in my family reads it. I’ve made the mistake of telling them my blog address and every now and then they go to it to check out what i’ve been writing. I’ve thought about closing my blog down due to privacy reasons (ie: work knows my blog address, my friends know my blog address and my sisters know my blog address and my partner knows my blog address) but I don’t want to lose my readers and all the hard work i’ve put into getting this thing up and running.

What have I got to be ashamed of right? I’m not ashamed of having bipolar disorder but I am ashamed of what I did last night. I took a plethora of drugs to take away my miserable existence and boy did I regret it the next morning. I was vomitting and felt physically and mentally unwell.

Why did I do it? Because I know my life will end one day, it’s just a question of when. I can’t see myself living past a certain point in life. I can’t see myself getting old and living out my partner. It’s got to the stage where I know it’s coming but I just don’t know what’s going to tip me over the edge. I didn’t even want to take the drugs last night, I just did it, I wanted to make myself sleep, to block out the pain and to get back at my partner for running the trolley into my foot. How ridiculous is that? It takes something so small to tip me off.

You see, I have a problem, I don’t seem to value my life anymore. There is nothing that keeps me here. It used to be my pets and I would worry what they would do without me but now even that doesn’t phase me. I’m sure they will forget me in good time and my partner will give them a good life,  a life they deserve.

My partner asked me why I was sick this morning and I told him I didn’t know, to save him the pain of knowing what I did.

I know I need help but where can I go? My psychiatrist who i think is fantastic only has 10 minutes for me when I see him, the public system is so clogged up there is no adequate time for patients’ real needs.  It’s a “here’s the drugs, take these and see you next time” type of visit. I tried to get a private psychiatrist but he was so booked out he wouldn’t accept me and who wants to pay $120.00 a pop to talk about themselves every few weeks? It puts a strain on the bank balance to say the least.

I’m ashamed, very ashamed that I did what I did, I cringe at the thought of it and want to curl up in a ball and hope that it all goes away.

Around 2,000 Australians die from suicide each year and there is no doubt depression is a major cause. Of those who have killed themselves, many have experienced depression or bipolar disorder. For every person who dies from suicide, at least another 30 people attempt suicide.

Suicide is the major cause of premature death among people with mental illness. Up to ten per cent of people affected by mental illness kill themselves. However many of those who have attempted suicide, or who have seriously thought about killing themselves, will – with medical intervention, counselling, social support and time – go on to live full, productive lives.

Contributing factors
Contributing factors to suicide may include:

• Depression - many people who suicide have experienced depression. This may be the result of another mental illness.
• Psychosis - some people suicide because they are confused as a result of their hallucinations, or because they want to get away from the symptoms.
• Drugs and alcohol - abuse of marijuana, heroin, amphetamines and alcohol is closely related to suicidal behaviour.

Suicide warning signs
The majority of people who suicide give warning signs about their intentions. Some of the warning signs are:

• Expressions of hopelessness or helplessness.
• An overwhelming sense of shame or guilt.
• A dramatic change in personality or appearance, or irrational or bizarre behaviour.
• Changed eating or sleeping habits.
• A severe drop in school or work performance.
• A lack of interest in the future.
• Written or spoken notice of intention to commit suicide.
• Giving away possessions and putting their affairs in order.

If you have suicidal thoughts
It is very important to remember that thoughts about harming yourself or suicide are just thoughts. They do not mean you have to actually harm yourself.

There are a number of ways in which you can tackle suicidal thoughts:

• Tell your doctor or other sympathetic people. If your thoughts are associated with depression, delusions or other symptoms, a change in medication and treatment may help get rid of them.
• Keep a list of people you can telephone as well as the numbers for Lifeline and similar services. Make an agreement with one or more people that you will call them if you actually plan to attempt suicide.
• Remember you do not have to act on suicidal thoughts and that they will pass in time.

I’m going on a holiday in a month’s time to the Sunshine Coast and i’ve been looking forward to it immensely. Just to get away from the bitter winter and doom and gloom. I’ve been holding out for my holiday for weeks now knowing full well that when I get back i’ll have nothing to look forward to. That will be a challenge in itself. There’s always christmas but that’s such a depressing time for me. The presents are the most exciting part of Christmas.

Re the above information about having an agreement with one or more people that you can call if you actually plan to commit suicide, I think this is a good idea however it is not one that I practice because I don’t like to bother other people with my problems. You may feel the same as me or you may be lucky enough to have a close relationship with someone who you can trust to call in a time of need. I have a close relationship with a friend who I can call anytime I feel down but she has just had a baby and I don’t want to bother her with my worries as she now has worries of her own.

Life is rather like a tin of sardines – we’re all of us looking for the key.

Bipolar Link to Older Fathers

Children born to older fathers face a greater chance of developing bipolar disorder, according to one of the largest studies linking mental illness with advanced paternal age.

Previous research has connected schizophrenia and autism with older dads, and a Danish study published last year added bipolar disorder to the list.

The new study, led by researchers at Sweden’s Karolinska Institute, strengthens the evidence.

The leading theory is that older men’s sperm may be more likely to develop mutations. Even so, the odds of a person becoming bipolar are so low the study’s authors said it shouldn’t dissuade older men from becoming fathers.

Researchers analysed Swedish national registry data from more than 80,000 people, including 13,428 with bipolar disorder who were born between 1932 and 1991.

The risks started increasing around age 40 but were strongest among those 55 and older. Children born to these dads were 37 per cent more likely to develop bipolar disorder than those born to men in their 20s.

They also faced more than double the risk of developing bipolar disorder before age 20. Scientists call that early onset disease, and while they have long known bipolar disorder tends to run in families, early onset disease has been thought to be most strongly linked with genetics.

The age of the mothers didn’t appear to be much of a factor.

While the findings don’t explain what might cause some older men to have bipolar children, it “reinforces the notion that there’s a strong biological component to this,” said Dr Harold Pincus, vice-chair of psychiatry at Columbia University.

Lifetime risks for it have been estimated at roughly 1 per cent to 4 per cent. The study results suggest that having an older father might increase that slightly.

The findings aren’t definitive, but even if the link proves to be real, Pincus noted that still means most people with older fathers won’t ever get bipolar disorder.

Sperm are produced throughout a man’s lifetime, and scientists believe as men age there is a greater chance for mutations that could contribute to disorders in their children.

Advanced paternal age also has been linked with birth defects, and some sperm banks have age limits for donors because of that.

It Seems I’m Crazy After All

While listening to Marilyn Manson today I found myself wondering whether he had any hidden messages in his music and whether people who hear hidden messages in music have a mental illness.

I googled it and found out that backward messages in music (commonly known as Backward Masking) have been a controversy ever since the late 60’s when messages were found backwards on some Beatles albums that hinted Paul McCartney had died. The controversy raged extensively in the late 70’s and early 80’s when religious fundamentalists claimed that Satan possessed the minds of singers causing them to insert messages backwards into albums.

I vaguely remember a case of subliminal messages in music held against Judas Priest. The band was involved in a civil action that alleged they were responsible for the suicide attempts in 1985 of 20-year old James Vance and 19-year old Ray Belknap in USA;. On December 23 1985 Vance and Belknap got intoxicated then went to a playground at a Lutheran church in Reno. Belknap shot himself dying instantly, and Vance followed, but survived with a severely disfigured face. He died three years later after a suicidal overdose of painkillers.

The mens’ parents and their legal team alleged that a subliminal message of “do it” had been included in the Judas Priest song “Better By You Better Than Me”.  They alleged the command in the song triggered the suicide attempt. The case was eventually dismissed.

I am a heavy metal/emo fan and I came across this article printed in the Canberra Times that indicated that teenagers’ taste in music is associated with antisocial behaviour, vulnerability to suicide and drug use.

University of Queensland School of Music senior lecturer Felicity Baker and Kids in Mind Research director William Bor investigated if music could trigger mental health problems among young people.

It came after 16-year-old friends Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier committed suicide in Melbourne.

”In the aftermath of the double suicide of two teenage girls in 2007, the media linked the themes of emo music and the girls’ mental state,” Dr Baker said in a paper published in Australasian Psychiatry.

”Emo music short for emotional music typically expresses the outpouring of emotions usually associated with relationship break-ups or other tragic events. But it is not just emo music that has been the subject of scrutiny by the media.

”Rap music, country and heavy metal have also been blamed for antisocial behaviours, including violence, theft, promiscuity and drug use.”

Dr Baker and Dr Bor reviewed the findings from several studies to determine if music could trigger drug use, violence, antisocial behaviour and suicide among young people. ”Preference for heavy metal music and rap music correlate with a range of antisocial and other behaviour,” Dr Baker said.

”While the research does not suggest that music causes such behaviours, it may well be that music preference is indicative of an underlying emotional disturbance or vulnerability. In fact, the research found that those adolescents with antisocial behaviour who listened to heavy metal music felt disconnected, lacked a stable identity, and had low self-esteem.

”Anger, violence and misogyny were especially associated with rap music. Similarly heavy metal music, particularly for girls, was associated with self-harm or suicidal ideation.”

Dr Baker said more research was needed to determine whether music preferences of those with mental health issues differed markedly from the general adolescent population.

I’ve been a fan of heavy metal music for many years and thinking back now I associated it with a release of emotions and a way to express my defiance in life’s situations, not with self harm or suicidal ideation. Come to think of it I was a bit promiscuous and theiving in my teenage years too.

I can understand why researchers found that heavy metal music indicates an underlying emotional disturbance or vulnerability but I can’t understand why it’s so important to research the connection. After all, the research did find that the music does not cause drug use, violence, antisocial behaviour and suicide among young people. You will never get rid of heavy metal music. Surely taxpayer’s money could be used more effectively like providing more mental health services to the population.

Smile For Life

I really hate it when people say I should smile more.

For those who don’t know me, I have a serious demeanour. I don’t remember always having this demeanour but certainly over the past few years I have come to notice it more and more. It could be a result of my bipolar disorder or it could be just the way I am.

I often feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and this is reflected through my face and body language.

I get really annoyed when people take it upon themselves to offer friendly advice like “smile a little more”, “don’t be so serious” and the classic “you always look so sour” or “hello happy”.

I accept my demeanour and know it’s hard to change so why can’t other people? Don’t they realise that I have things bothering me or sometimes I am happy but my demeanour doesn’t reflect this? It’s just that when I am thinking or my face is relaxed I look very serious.

I don’t make friends easily. The majority of my friends are from my partner’s side of the fence. It’s been a few years since i’ve met someone on the train or bus. I am shy to approach people. It’s been 8 months at work and still I haven’t fostered any close relationships.

Good friends say they don’t notice that I don’t smile often but others like my partner (who still can’t come to terms with it) and my old bosses offer that friendly advice on how to improve myself.

I feel like telling them to shove it!

Do I Look Bipolar?

I know it’s been a while since i’ve blogged on here. It’s been hard to get the motivation up and hard to think of new topics all the time to write about to keep readers interested.

One thing I worry about is whether I look bipolar to other people. I think I can tell when someone has a mental illness. People say to me that they would never have picked I have bipolar disorder. I think that if you have a mental illness it is easier to recognise others with a mental illness.

I had a friend who had some sort of psychotic illness (I never asked her what it was) and I knew from the moment I met her that she had a mental illness. Her pupils were always dialated and she had a particular stare about her, one I could recognise in myself sometimes. I think we recognise certain traits in a mentally ill person that exist in ourselves.

So I worry that people can tell I have bipolar disorder or depression. I worry that they will notice my slight tremmor or how I stumble over particular words and I worry that they will notice that I take a tablet at the same time every day. I don’t want normal people to judge me and think i’m crazy or an unstable person.

Often we think we can do normal things like normal people like studying full time or taking on an important role in a job. When we attempt to do these things we end up struggling through and tipping off an episode as a result.

I strive so hard to be normal. I am always evaluating my feelings throughout the day and asking myself do I have anxiety, depression, am I happy, do I feel normal? It’s  probably normal for people with a mental illness to do this.

I don’t know about anyone else but my bipolar disorder is a big part of my life. i feel the effects of it every day. I’ve only just realised how lonely it can be not having someone to share something that is a big part of your life or having someone who understands how you are feeling. Luckily we have online communities that we can connect with and see that there are others out there who are suffering just like us.

Mood Diary

The Mood Diary is a tool you can use every day. It can help track your mood, medications and important things that happen to you. If you fill it out daily, it can help you and your psychiatrist/doctor better understand your bipolar disorder. The Mood Diary can help you understand yourself and notice what affects you.

Print out a copy of the sheet and place it where you can use it every day.

Click the link to access the diary and see instructions on how to use the Mood Diary. Adobe PDF Reader required.

MOOD DIARY

Weight Gain With Antidepressants

French Connection Honeyeater Tshirt (Geisha Flower)

I allowed myself some retail therapy today.  I visited shops like Esprit, Witchery, Bardot, Sportsgirl, French Connection. Kookai, Miss Sixty, Grab, Dangerfield and Rogues.  All the colours for the approaching spring season leapt out at me and I desperately wanted to wear one of those little green or pink crop cardi’s that are in fashion now.

The trouble with all these stores is that they don’t make extra large sizes. Everything I tried on made me look frumpy because i’ve put on 10 kilos from taking Effexor XR. My stomach was bulging out like I was pregnant (I was offered a seat on the train once from a woman who mistakenly thought I was pregnant!). People who gain weight can have poor self esteem too and I know mine has plummetted since my weight gain.

I tried on top after top and none hid my bulging stomach. I eventually settled on a lovely cream honeyeater tshirt from French Connection which was flowing and flattering and which cost me an arm and a leg but hey I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it and had to have it and it covered my curves (see pic).

Weight gain in antidepressants is common. Experts say that for up to 25% of people, most antidepressant medications including the popular SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) drugs like Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil and Zoloft,  can cause weight gain of 10 pounds or more.

I know that when I took Zoloft I lost all my weight and returned to my original size 8-10. Unfortunately every time I take Zoloft I end up crashing as the drug doesn’t suit me.

But SSRIs aren’t the only class of antidepressants that may have weight gain as a side effect. Other antidepressant medications including tricylics (like Elavil and Tofranil) and MAO inhibitors (drugs like Parnate and Nardil), may also cause people to gain weight with both long term and short term use.

There are a number of theories as to why antidepressants lead to weight gain, and both appetite and metabolism may be affected. 

There are people who swear that they are not eating any more, but still gaining weight (like me), so that tells us there is some kind of metabolic influence going on; and there are people that are not only more hungry and eating more, but that the antidepressants are encouraging a carbohydrate craving, so we know appetite also plays a role.

Antidepressants may also simply help us to rediscover pleasure in our life , including food.

Some antidepressants can actually cause weight loss. Why oh why doesn’t that happen to me?

Nutrition Beats Mental Illness

I’ve decided to go and see an nutritionist.  While googling “depression and nutrition” I came across these case histories that I wanted to share with you.

Liz started suffering from depression at the age of 14. By the time she was 17 she had become extremely anxious, fearful and depressed and was hearing voices. She was put on three drugs – Sulpiride and Depixol injections, plus Kemadrin to offset the side-effects of the other drugs. The drugs somewhat sedated her but she continued to suffer from extreme depression and anxiety and continued to hear voices in her head. She also had psychotherapy but neither this, nor the drugs made any real difference.

She consulted a nutrition counsellor who identified chronic nutritional deficiencies and an excessive level of histamine, an neurotransmitter that affects the brain. Within six months she was no longer depressed, and rarely heard voices or became anxious. She came off all medication and continued to improve. She is now perfectly healthy and happy and recently gave birth to a baby girl. She experienced no post-natal depression.

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Since she was 11, Sara’s life had been a nightmare of mental and physical suffering. Her history included chronic insomnia, episodic loss of reality, attempted suicide by hanging, amnesia, partial seizures, nausea, vomiting and loss of periods. Her knees were so painful (X-rays showed poor cartilages) and her mind so disperceptive that she walked slowly with her feed wide apart like a peasant following a hand plough drawn by tired oxen. Psychiatrists at three different hospitals gave the dubious waste-basket labels of ‘schizophrenia’, ‘paranoid schizophrenia’ and ‘schizophrenia with convulsive disorder’. At times her left side went into spasms with foot clawed and fist doubled up. Both arm and leg had a wild flaying motion. Restraints were needed at these times. Psychotherapy was ineffective and most tranquillisers accentuated the muscle symptoms. She tested positive for pyroluria and was given B6 and zinc.

Urinary kryptopyrrole was at times as high as 1000mcg%, the normal range being less than 15. She was diagnosed as B6 and zinc deficient and treatment was started. Over three months her knees became normal, the depression subsided, as did the seizures, her periods returned, the nausea vanished and so did the abdominal pain. She has had no recurrence of her grave illness, finished college and now works in New York. She takes zinc and B6 daily. When under stress of any kind, she increases her intake of vitamin B6.

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David swas diagnosed as suffering from chizophrenia at the age of 20, having suffered from acute depression, paranoia and extreme mental confusion. He was also seeing and hearing things. He was put on the drug Stelazine which calmed him down, but he felt disoriented and couldn’t go back to college or relate with friends and family in a normal way. He went to see a nutrition counsellor who identified that he was chronically deficient in vitamin B6 and zinc and had glucose intolerance. Within days of adding B6 and zinc supplements, changing his diet and avoiding sugar, coffee and alcohol he became symptom free. He was able to stop taking Stelazine and is now doing very well at University without any recurrence of his previous mental health problems.

———

Janet was diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 15. At times she would become completely hyperactive and manic, and at other times become completely depressed. She was put on three drugs – Lithium, Tegretol and Zirtek. These helped control the severity of her manic phases, but she was still frequently depressed and anxious. Two years later she consulted a nutrition counsellor who found she was deficient in many nutrients, especially zinc, and allergic to wheat. As soon as her nutrient deficiencies were corrected and she stopped eating wheat her health rapidly improved. She was able to stop all medication and, provided she stays off wheat, no longer gets depressed. She is now doing her final degree exams and continues to feel good and achieve well. However, if she has any wheat, even inadvertently in a sauce, she becomes depressed, confused, forgetful and anxious for 3 to 4 days. Her manic phases, however, have never returned.

Even if I can reduce my symptoms of depression by half by changing my diet i’d be pleased as punch. I’ve got to try after i’ve had such good results changing my diet after reading Super Foods To Boost Your Mood Foods That Fight Depression.

Will keep you posted.

Source: The Black Dog Institute

Foods That Fight Depression

Hello Lisa

You don’t know what tremendous satisfaction it gives me to hear your story. Having changed my own food patterns for the better and knowing that, yes I really can, change the way I feel – to then write a book and read the results you are having makes it feel worth all the work.

Many thanks for sharing your story…
Alexandra Massey

Foods to Beat Depression/Fatigue

It’s been one week since i’ve changed my diet and I feel great. I have to admit I was skeptical at first when I bought the book Super Foods to Boost Your mood, Foods that Fight Depression for a measley $5.00AU but figured if there were foods out there that could change my mood then i’d give it a shot.

The first thing i’ve noticed is that I feel more relaxed. Usually at night when I go to bed I feel tense and have rocking movements of the trunk of the body caused by the medications I am on. These have been reduced by half to three quarters.

I wanted to change the foods that I eat because I was feeling tired and lethargic all the time, especially around 2pm after my lunch break at work. The fatigue would last for an hour and I would become depressed and not want to work. It was really starting to bother me as it was starting to become a pattern and I was desperate to get rid of the feeling. I am happy to report that my fatigue has been reduced by half since i’ve changed my eating patterns. Mornings were always hard for me too. I’d feel tired and lethargic and very grumpy. Now I just eat a few nuts and I get a great energy burst.

Here’s some of the tips from the book to help you out:

• Banana – stress busting qualities;
• Kiwi – boost of vitamin C – good for fighting fatigue (I take a vitamin C tablet 250mg two in the morning and two at lunch time);
• Mandarin – good for fighting irritability;
• Melon – contains stress busting magnesium;
• Parsley – contains potent and nutrimental goodness which helps combat depression and stress;
• Broccoli contains more vitamin C than an orange which boosts the immune system and helps with chronic fatigue. It has as much calcium as a glass of milk, which can help relieve mood swings;
• The best nuts for depression are Brazils, Peanuts, Hazel Nuts, Cashew Nuts;
• The best nuts for stress are Almonds, Pecans and Brazil Nuts;
• The best nuts for chronic fatigue are Brazil Nuts, Pecans and Walnuts;
• All berries contribute to our overall sense of wellbeing and help us to feel physically and emotionally better;
• Blueberries – their age defying antioxidants have been linked with boosts in memory. The anti ageing function is so effective for depression;
• The omega 3 in oily fish helps beat depression. Try salmon, herring, mackerel, trout, tuna and sardines. Also try almonds, sesame, sunflower, pumpkin seeds and advocados;
• A salad and pasta meal is really good for promoting sleep as pasta is high in carbs which increase serotonin and will give you a mild sleepy feeling. Bananas will boost your melatonin, the hormone that aids sleep;
• Trytophan – foods rich in this amino acid help boost the body’s uptake of serotonin. High trytophan foods are soy products, seafood, turkey, whole grains, beans, rice houmous, lentils, hazelnuts, peanuts, eggs, sesame seeds and sunflower seeds.
• Switch from white to brown products and you could immediately elevate your energy levels and boost your mood. Try brown rice, wholegrain bread and wholemeal/wholegrain pasta;
• Decrease your intake of dairy fats to start feeling less fatigued and depressed.  Try pecorino remano cheese (made from sheep’s milk), goats cheese, almond cream, fruit sorbets instead of icecream and rice and soya milk;

My food intake per day consists of porridge in the morning, walnuts, hazel nuts, craisins, pepitas and blueberries in the mid morning for a snack, houmous and crudites and a whole wheat sandwich with tuna for lunch followed by kiwi fruit, apple and strawberries and more nuts for an afternoon snack. I have eliminated chocolate and junk food from my diet and feel so much better for it.

If you are interested in the book it’s called Super Foods to Boost Your Mood Foods that Fight Depression by Alexandra Massey. If you Google it you will find plenty of places that sell it.

What is Normal?

Some people think that bipolar disorder doesn’t dictate who they are as a person. I often find this hard to believe because almost everything I do, think or say is affected by the illness.

I even regulate my personality through medication. The type of medication I take determines my personality traits. For instance, when I take Zeldox 60mg I have an agressive personality but if I take Zeldox 160mg my personality is passive and I am a much nicer, kinder person. I base a drug’s benefit for me on the type of personality it projects in me. If I took no medication i’d be a raging agressive lunatic, unable to function in the real world. This has lead to me not knowing who I am anymore. Which is the real me? What was it like to be the real me before I got sick? What are my real personality traits? Sure I have morals and beliefs that one could say are not affected by the disorder but what i’d give to have a real personality, one not regulated by drugs.

What is it like to be an everyday person without a mental illness? Its been so long since I was normal i’ve forgotten what its like to have a normal brain and body. Or was I ever normal? What’s it like to go shopping with your sister and not feel aggravated at the crowds or want to challenge every person that gets in your way? What’s it like to go to work and not feel down or not feel like you have to read and re-read things over and over again for content to sink in? What’s it like not to slur your words or talk too fast for people to keep up with you, to stutter and blunder over words like a child beginning to talk?

Some say bipolar disorder is a gift. I could never fathom that. I am pessimstic by nature (or by illness) and I say bipolar disorder is a curse.

Sure i’ve been creative with bipolar disorder but not for a long while. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me so I have to cut and paste from google and research my topics before I blog. I long for that creative streak to return where I can write a book, paint well, read something once only and digest its every component or have an abundance of ideas flow from my mind.

What I would give to have some normalicy in my life. Can someone please tell me what it’s like to be normal?

Schizophrenia Researchers Welcome New Blood

Researchers from the Queensland Brain Institute are set to conduct a world first trial into the link between prenatal vitamin D levels and schizophrenia.

Funded by the NHMRC and led by QBI’s Dr Darryl Eyles, a team of four researchers will study blood spots taken from newborn babies who have gone on to develop schizophrenia in early adulthood.

“Undeniably, low maternal vitamin D affects the way the brain develops,” Dr Eyles said.

“Over the past four years we’ve been able to show that low vitamin D intake in animals during pregnancy results in offspring with brain abnormalities similar to those seen in patients with schizophrenia.”

The next step is to test the hypothesis on humans.

By analysing the blood spots of new born babies, the team will be able to tell the baby’s vitamin D levels at the time of birth.

This type of study is possible because of a biobank located at the Statens Serum Institute in Copenhagen where the they have not only stored newborn blood spots since 1981, but kept ongoing medical records for each sample.

“This is a true test of the hypothesis,” Dr Eyles said.

“The Danes are only able to give us 1.6 microlitres of plasma so we’ve had to come up with a method of determining the vitamin D levels in that tiny amount of blood.

It is expected that the analysis will commence in September.

“If we establish the link in this huge patient cohort, we will be able to show that having low maternal vitamin D does not necessarily mean a child is going to develop schizophrenia but, if a child has a particularly vulnerable genome, the low maternal vitamin D may be the environmental trigger,” Dr Eyles said.

“It’s the combination of gene and environment which triggers the disease.”

Schizophrenia affects approximately one percent of the world’s population.

OCD (Obsesive Compulsive Disorder)

My parents came to my house for lunch yesterday. I was looking forward to seeing them as it had been a few months since we last got together.

Having listened to a podcast earlier on in the week by Captain Joe of Bipolar Nation on bipolar disorder and how visitors can disrupt your illness and home life by invading your personal space, I found I could not relate to him because I had never felt that way.

I am known to be a bit of an obsessive compulsive cleaner. I didn’t notice it at first but the OCD subtley returned to my life yesterday morning after a 12 month break from it.  I wiped the benches and floors with disinfectant a few times over and made sure everything was neat and tidy. I cleaned the couches and did the dusting and cleaned the carpets.  While my parents were relaxing at the table I was anxiously cleaning the floors and making sure the kitchen was neat and orderly. I couldn’t stop myself.

Each one of us has our own “personal space,” an invisible area around our body that, when penetrated by others, makes us feel uncomfortable and even afraid. The boundaries around our personal space expand or contract depending on the relationships we have with people.

I know this sounds ridiculous but for a few years now I have avoided the last drop of water from the shower because I have told myself that if the drop falls on me I will have bad luck that day. Also, lately at the supermarket I have found myself arranging the shopping bags neatly and upright in the trolley and if they fall down I get very anxious the stressed.I also have to lay my groceries out in categories on the supermarket conveyer belt.

After my parents left I could identify with Captain Joe’s remarks and figured he was probably right in saying that those with bipolar disorder who allow visitors into their own personal space open themselves up to unwanted stress and anxiety. They can get stressed about the person coming to their home and want to make sure things are orderly and tidy and they worry about what the person is going to think if their home is a mess.

A little about OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a type of anxiety disorder involving two elements: obsessions and compulsions.

Obsessions are repetitive unwanted thoughts that make you feel anxious. Compulsions are repetitive behaviours and rituals.

With OCD you feel that as if you have to complete these rituals or behaviours otherwise something bad will happen (hence the shower situation). Performing the compulsions can reduce the anxiety you feel with OCD.

With OCD you might realise that your thoughts are irrational, but the obsessions and compulsions are hard to resist.

What are the Symptoms of OCD?

With OCD you experience some obsessive thoughts and compulsions. However, the intensity and frequency can vary, and it’s not uncommon for it to be worse when you are particularly stressed (e.g exam time, relationship problems or now as we know – when someone comes to your home).

Examples of obsessions include

• Fear of contamination or dirt
• Fear of harming yourself or others
• Intrusive sexual thoughts
• Fear of illness
• Religious or moral issues

Common compulsions may be:

• Cleaning or putting things in a particular order
• Washing
• Counting
• Hoarding
• Touching/repeating

Managing OCD

There are many things you can do to manage OCD. Some are:

• Cognitive Behavioural Theraphy
• Medication
• Support groups
• Write in a journal
• Exercise
• Play video games
• Relaxation techniques
• Hypnosis

Causes

The cause of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is still unknown, although it is thought to be the result of lower levels of serotonin in the brain. Lower levels of serotonin have also been found in people who suffer from depression, thus, the close correlation between depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is very common. Generally people who suffer from depression may also suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and vice versa.

Helping a Depressed Person

I remember when I had a relapse of bipolar disorder about five months ago that I didn’t get a lot of support when I needed it most. My partner found it very difficult to cope with my endless sleeping and lack of enthusiasm towards life. I remember having to psych myself up for half an hour just to go to the supermarket. To do basic things like cooking and cleaning was torture. Now I don’t even think about those things and I am so thankful for every good day I have had since my relapse.

You play an important role in helping your loved or friend one get through this difficult period in their life. There are many ways to help:

• Remind the depressed person to keep their appointments with their doctor or psychiatrist and take prescribed medication. Depressed people are often tempted to stop their medication as soon as they begin to feel better. It is very important for them to keep taking their medication as directed. This will help prevent a relapse of the depression, or the return of symptoms.
• Encourage the depressed person to seek help from their doctor or psychiatrist if they are not feeling any better on their prescribed medication.
• Listen and provide support. Be patient, understanding, and encouraging. Don’t dismiss the depressed person’s negative feelings—point out realities and offer hope instead.
• Take care of the “little things.” A depressed person may need help just keeping up with tasks like doing the laundry, cooking or caring for a pet.
• Remember that depression is a medical condition. Try to encourage the depressed person to develop healthy habits such as sleeping at regular times, eating balanced, nutritious meals, and taking a daily walk or some form of exercise.
• Make suggestions. Urge the depressed person to postpone major life decisions, such as changing jobs, getting married or divorced, or moving until their depression has lifted.
• Learn everything you can about depression. Read websites, brochures and books.
• Suicide threats are to be taken seriously. Keep in mind that it is not true that a person who talks about suicide will not attempt it. Those who attempt suicide often threaten to do so as a way of asking for help.
• Try not to leave the depressed person alone for long periods of time.
• Don’t take your frustration out on the depressed person. This can make them feel worse.
• Be positive around the depressed person. Postive energy can be addictive. Avoid putting pressure on the depressed person to recover.
• Be careful to avoid lecturing the depressed person about what they should do to recover.
• Take care of yourself. You may find yourself feeling sad, angry, frustrated, or helpless when caring for a depressed person. Talking with a friend or counselor can help you deal with those feelings. Doing something nice for yourself while taking care of a loved one can also help.

When the depressed person recovers they will thank you for being a kind and understanding friend to them. To have someone who understands and supports them is so beneficial to a depressed person it aids them in their recovery.

Depression & Alcohol

Alcohol abuse and depression can be a deadly mix.

Often, a person with depression will also have alcoholism, and vice versa. In fact, 30 to 50 percent of people with alcoholism, at any given time, are also suffering from major depression. Family history of depression or alcoholism puts a person at greater risk for developing either illness.

While alcohol often causes a good mood at first, it is a depression causing drug.

Alcoholism may cause a relapse in people with depression. The depressive symptoms from alcohol are greater when a person first stops drinking. People recovering from alcoholism who have a history of depression should be carefully monitored during the early stages of withdrawal.

When a person suffers from major depression and abuses alcohol, he has a much higher risk of attempting and succeeding at suicide. Other facts:

• Alcohol abuse can exaggerate depression and increase impulsiveness;
• Alcohol is often detected in suicide methods involving driving a car or overdosing;
• Alcohol impairs judgment, which explains its association with painful suicide methods.

Major depression and alcohol abuse are the most commonly diagnosed psychiatric disorders in people who attempt suicide.

Recent studies also indicate that not only can the behavior of drinking parents bring about early childhood bouts of depression, but can effect the cognitive skills and IQ’s of their children.

Studies comparing children of alcoholics with nonchildren of alcoholics also have found that parental alcoholism is linked to a number of psychological disorders in children.

The results of several studies have shown that children from alcoholic families report higher levels of depression and anxiety and exhibit more symptoms of generalized stress (i.e., low self-esteem) than do children from nonalcoholic families

In considering children of alcoholics, it is important to remember that, although there is a genetic component to the vulnerability to alcoholism, children of alcoholic issues are not related primarily to alcoholism itself but to the social and psychological dysfunction that may result from growing up in an alcoholic home.

I am a child of an alcoholic parent. While I have two sisters, they never grew up with an alcholic parent as the age difference between us is 10 -12 years and the drinking had ceased by the time I was 18. Alcoholism can also occur from social pressure to drink. Pressure is on young people to drink to be popular and pressure can present itself in the workforce as well. I went for a job interview in a large legal firm and was told that going down to the pub every Friday night was part of their social culture and everyone was expected to go.

There are a number of ways in which alcohol and depression may be linked. 

• Stressful life events can precipitate both alcohol problems and depression.  Over the last decade new research has shed light on the way alcohol affects the brain, and in the ways in which the brain is affected in depression. It is now known that some of the systems that are involved in producing the symptoms of low mood, anxiety, poor sleep and reduced appetite in depression are also affected by alcohol.

• People with alcohol problems report more incidences of neglect and poor parenting as children than those without. These factors may also increase the risk of developing depression.        

Because of the risk of suicide, if you are or someone you care about is suffering from major depression and abusing alcohol it is critical that you seek prompt medical attention.

If you just can’t stop drinking, or can’t keep it to a safe level, you can get help from:your doctor, voluntary agencies that specialise in alcohol problems and self help groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or AlAnon and Alateen.

Hallucinations

Hallucinations may occur in any of the senses: auditory (for example, hearing voices or music), gustatory (for example, unpleasant tastes), olfactory (for example, unpleasant smells), somatic (for example, a feeling of “electricity”), tactile (for example, a sensation of being touched, or “skin crawling” sensations), visual (for example, flashes of light, colors or images).

Delusions (fixed, false, irrational or illogical beliefs) and hallucinations can sometimes occur when someone is experiencing an acute manic episode. They can also occur during a severe episode of melancholic depression in people with Bipolar Disorder, with delusions being a much more common occurrence than hallucinations. These symptoms are commonly referred to as ‘psychotic’ symptoms and when they occur with other manic symptoms (as outlined above) it indicates that the person has a Bipolar I Disorder. Psychotic symptoms are not seen in hypomania, the key defining mood state of Bipolar II Disorder.

Contrary to the information above taken from the Black Dog Institute, I have experienced hallucinations and heard voices and I have bipolar II disorder.

My first hallucination was the feeling that a ghost went right through me while I was lying in bed. I felt that I was in their bed and this thing wanted me to get out of their way. I froze and they just went right through me. Maybe it was a ghostly experience and not a hallucination at all but since that time strange occurrences have been happening in the house. I’ve heard my name being called (and my partner has heard it too). I became to think that this particular bedroom was haunted by a ghost because strange things were occuring in it. My sister heard rustling in the cupboard one night (we had no mice), I put a newspaper on the bed and it totally disappeared when I returned. I searched all over the house and it could not be found.

My most serious hallucination was when I was travelling in a train to work and I thought the train was going underground to hell and I remember feeling the train going in slow motion in a downward spiral. I used to look for the devil on the train a lot after that experience. Ridiculous I know, and I am not even religious.

I’ve heard voices too. I picked up the telephone at work one day to check a voicemail and I could have sworn someone said the word “bitch” to me. I played that  message over and over again just to see if it was true. Of course I never heard it again.

During these times I don’t recall being in a state of hypomania (commonly associated with bipolar II disorder) so either I have been misdiagnosed or I present certain symptoms of schizophrenia as well as bipolar II disorder.  Beats me, a question for the psychiatrist no doubt. Will keep you posted.

Banks to Show More Compassion to Homeowners

I recently had coffee with two people affilliated with a major lending institution. They are involved in reposessing houses.

I myself work in mortgagee sales and  the conversation ventured into the attitude of borrowers who are in the process of having their house reposessed.

What shocked and saddened me were the remarks made by these representatives of this major lending institution.

They laughed at the fact that Mr X had been threatening to kill himself for 6 months and they skited that he’s never going to do it as he hasn’t got the guts. They called Mrs X “a nutter” for scrawling obsence messages about the bank on the walls of her home because they repossessed her house. They boasted about Mr X hanging himself in the garage of his own home.

I was apalled and utterly disgusted at their attitudes but could not speak up as I was supposed to be sucking eggs. Not only did they degrade mental illness and the utter hoplessness and depression these people must feel but they offended me being a sufferer of a mental illness.

It goes to show the hardened attitude our banks have developed towards the everyday borrower. I imagine they become immune to the feelings of others after some time in the business and must develop a hardened outer shell otherwise they’ll become too involved in their work. Or maybe they’re just a pack of inconsiderate bastards.

Is it too much to ask that our banks show a little more compassion and understanding for the current economic climate and how it affects the everyday person?

I’m just glad that my attitude will never stoop so low as to laugh at someone who has a mental illness and there are people like me in the business who can sympathise with homeowners and the hardships they are facing trying to support their mortgage.

It was after this conversation that I began to question why I am in the line of work I am in.

Well Sibling Syndrome

The devastating effects of mental illness have been well documented in films, books, and academia. But until recently there has been little said about the sisters and brothers of the mentally ill. Now researchers are starting to look at what they’re calling the “well-sibling” syndrome.

“As hard as parents may try, and they do, to meet the needs of their well siblings,” says Dianne Marsh, a Psychologist of the University of Pittsburg. “time and energy are simply finite. And so siblings often feel like the forgotten family members. Everyone else’s problems are more important than theirs.”

Marsh conducted one of the first studies of well siblings of the mentally ill and wrote about it in her book, Troubled Journey. Her co-author, Rex Dickens, himself the brother of three mentally ill siblings, says that over time, sisters and brothers of the mentally ill become frozen souls.

“You sort of shut down, emotionally, in part of your life,” says Dickens, “and that carries over to other areas. You can’t trust, you can’t feel, you can’t talk. There’s a core that gets frozen in time, maybe to be dealt with later, but it never does get dealt with.”

Marsh and Dickens found that well siblings have higher rates of depression than the general public.

Other siblings worry they might “catch” what their brother or sister has. Clea Simon is a Boston journalist who wrote the memoir, Madhouse: Growing up the Shadow of Mentally Ill Siblings. Both of her older siblings were struck with schizophrenia when she was only 6.

“When you see your brother or sister grow up and change from your brother and sister to something scary and weird and alien,” says Simon, “you just think that’s what happens. You think that when you hit 16, you’re allowed to date, and drive, and then you’re hospitalized.”

Simon often witnessed, or became the target of, her siblings’ violent outbursts, which is why she, and many other well siblings, believe they may now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder – a collection of debilitating symptoms from flashbacks to nightmares.

And while all families are different, most siblings seem to be affected at least by survivor’s guilt Why was my sister or brother afflicted? Why not me?

“And as they mature and they go on to careers and relationships and families,” says Marsh, “over and over again we heard that it is with a sense of loss for their sibling who may not be able to move on.”

As siblings age, there are practical concerns beyond the existential ones. In one clinical survey, 94 percent of well siblings reported a pervasive worry that they will have to care for a mentally ill brother or sister when their parents no longer can. And that worry is not an idle one.

Read about the lives of Olivia Stanas who has bipolar disorder and her siblings Rose & Audrey and the affect the illness has on Rose, Audrey and her family or the lives of Pamela Spiro Wagner and Carolyn Spiro where Pam has Schizophrenia and is looked after by Carolyn by clicking HERE.

Bipolar Poetry

Writing poetry can be very therapeutic for those with a mental illness.

Poetry can allow you to tell without telling, to process difficult feelings and emotions, to help you or the reader understand complicated situations, to take layers of complicated life’s experiences and put meaning into them and to process and resolve trauma.

Bipolar Poetry is an online website dedicated to poetry written by those with Bipolar Disorder. The website was started by a psychiatrist whose patients found therapy in writing poetry.

I have submitted a poem to Bipolar Poetry. You can submit your poetry to Bipolar Poetry by clicking HERE or write to me and I will publish your poetry on my blog.

Why Do People Suicide

Most of the time people who suicide are very sick with depression or one of the other types of depressive illnesses, which occur when the chemicals in a person’s brain get out of balance or become disrupted.

Healthy people do not suicide. A person who has depression does not think like a typical person who is feeling good. Their illness prevents them from being able to look forward to anything. They can only think about now and have lost the ability to imagine into the future. Many times they don’t realise they are suffering from a treatable illness and they feel they can’t be helped. Seeking help may not even enter their mind. They do not think of the people around them, family or friends, because of their illness. They are consumed with emotional and physical pain that becomes unbearable. They don’t see any way out. They feel hopeless and helpless. They don’t want to die but its the only way they feel their pain will end. It is a non-rational choice.

Getting depression is involuntary, no one asks for it, just like people don’t ask to get cancer. Depression is a treatable illness and people can feel good again.

Depression plus alcohol or drug use, can be lethal. Many times people will try to alleviate the symptoms of their illness by drinking or using drugs. Alcohol and/or drugs will make the illness worse. There is an increased risk for suicide because alchol and drugs decrease judgement and increase impulsivity.

I very rarely drink alcohol because it is a depressant. I find that if I drink alcohol, the very next morning I feel depressed.

I never take drugs either. A friend of mine uses cannabis to alleviate her bipolar disorder. Cannabis does not actually alleviate mental illness, it makes it worse. There is evidence that cannabis use causes psychosis and the mere breathing in of cannabis smoke is enough to affect the passive smoker who can experience a “high” from the smoke. Traces of cannabis can be found in body fluids as a result of passive cannabis smoking however little is known about the short or long term effects of passive cannabis smoking. I have been a passive cannabis smoker in my younger years. Had I known then what I know now I would never have let myself be susceptible to the possible dangers of passive cannabis smoking.

Bereavement Support After Suicide

You may know someone who has just lost a loved one and your first thought upon hearing the news is probably going to be ”Oh no, how tragic, poor so and so”.

Your second thought will probably be that you must go to them, to comfort them and help them. Your third thought would be “What am I going to say”.

Many people let their third thought prevent them from going to see the bereaved person. They don’t know what to say so put off saying anything or conveniently don’t get around to it.

The first thing you need to know when that thought “What am I going to say” enters your  mind  is that no one, least of all the bereaved person, expects you to know what to say.

If you go to the person to offer help and comfort all they need is for you to acknowledge their loss, and offer what support or comfort you can. A simple honestly felt “I’m sorry” is enough to acknowledge the loss. Even saying “I don’t know what to say” will have the same effect. A hug also says so much that cannot be put into words.

The worst thing you can do is to say nothing. It will probably seem to the bereaved that you are denying the existence of their loved one if you say nothing, or that you do not care that they have lost a big part of their life, past, present and future. They may also find that their own feelings are not considered if you say nothing. They may think “Can’t they see i’m hurting and I need them to show they care”.

Sending a card is a good idea, especially if you live a distance away. Many people have commented how much they appreciated that people have sent a card, or note or letter of condolence, and they are usually kept and re-read from time to time.

Listen. There is nothing more frustrating for a bereaved person than having someone ask you how you are and when you start to tell them their eyes glaze over. This is one reason why most bereaved people eventually just say they are OK. They don’t know if you really want to know or are just being polite.

Maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the sress filled months after a loved one’s suicide. Friends and relatives may feel uncomfortable and unable to offer consolation. Take the initiative to talk about the suicide and ask for their help, it will also help them.

The survivors of any death need comfort, support and trusted listeners with whom they can discuss their grief. The stigma of suicide and shame, guilt and blame that people feel can isolate suicide survivors in their grief.

Remember, just because you don’t know what to say is no excuse for offering your condolences to the bereaved. A mere “Sorry for your loss” or “How are you keeping” can show the bereaved you care and the memory of their loved one is not lost.

adapted from www.inspirit.com.au

After Suicide

When someone ends their own life, it brings the life of one human being to a sad end. The act of suicide also creates another group of people, those left behind. These are people who loved and cared about the person who passed away, who continue to do so, and who must now become part of a psychological and social experience of surviving.

It is important for the community to hear the voices of those left behind to fear the worst, find the body, be told by the police, go to the morgue, organise and attend the funeral, attend the inquest, grieve and to continue with life. The shroud of silence serves no one.

The ending of one’s life by choice, despite our knowledge that for many suicide deaths the person is in a world of blackness, despair, depression, anxiety, pain and futility, appears to the community as something to be judged and condemned. Not only is the person who died labelled and stigmatised, but also those around them are often tainted with the brush of a condemned and stigmatised act. As a consequence, the act of suicide itself is rendered invisible by the community and too painful to speak about. Equally, the experiences of those left behind are made invisible, unable to be acknowledged, unable to be supported and unable to be addressed by the community.

Death by suicide is a reality of our society. People will continue to die through suicide and their loved ones will continue to be left behind. Death by suicide will continue to be a complex experience. Our ignoring it is as a human phenomenon only acts to render the experience invisible, to stigmatise those who die and to isolate those left behind to grieve and struggle in silence.

De-stigmatise society’s views by talking about suicide, supporting those who are left behind with a simple “how are you coping” and talking about the person who has passed away instead of burying their memory.

Schoolyard Bullying & Depression

So confirms my belief, researchers have found evidence that schoolyard bullying in adolescence contributes to anxiety and depression in early adulthood.

I was bullied at high school, year 9 infact. A good friend shall we call her Nicole had asked if she could hang out with me and my friend as her usual friend was away ill. I said “No”. It was a joke but she took it seriously and it was to be my downfall for many months thereafter. Those months felt like years to me.

Nicole’s friend, shall we call her Jenny, started out by pushing me around the schoolyard and calling me names. The bullying developed into ostracising me from other friends, trying to pick a fight with me, trying to steal my boyfriend, hunting me down after school and following me all the way home.

My grades plummeted and I started skipping school and going to the local park. I didn’t go to school for two weeks and the school rang my parents and that’s how they found out. My parents had no option but to move me to another school as I wasn’t going back to my old school again.

My old school didn’t intervene to try to stop the bullying at any time. Times were different then and they never had bullying policies and education about bullies in place at schools like they do now.

Jenny followed me to my new school by paying me visits in the school yard with Nicole and waiting for me at the bus stop in the mornings. I couldn’t get rid of her. I wasn’t safe anywhere.

I found out later that she was having problems at home with her father beating her and she lost most of her friends at high school after she stole Nicole’s boyfriend right from under her nose.

That was 20 years ago and still I won’t frequent my old haunts now even though she doesn’t live nearby anymore. I wont even live over the side of the city where I went to school. it affects me to this day and I rarely talk about it. It was so damaging to my self esteem and personality and i’d be struck down with utter fear if I ever met Jenny on the streets now.

My school time best friend was bullied most of her school life and ended up having a mental breakdown after it which of course still affects her to this day.

If a child tries to punch someone or kick someone there’s evidence of them doing it but when it comes to teasing and ridiculing its a lot harder to prove.

Bullies are strong psychologically and get a great deal of peer support, victims suffer from symptoms of psychological distress that are not necessarily observable. Victims have feelings of depression and social anxiety and loneliness, quiet signs of distress.

Research suggests that bullies have the lowest levels of depression, social anxiety, and loneliness. They also have a high “social standing.” But even though they appear to be “popular” with their fellow students, this popularity is actually a manifestation of fear in which children feel that they have no choice but to treat the bullies respectfully.

Many people believe bullying as a normal part of childhood but it’s certainly not acceptable. This isn’t a normal experience and we need to do something about it to stop our youngsters experiencing depression and anxiety in their early adult years from being bullied in the school yard.

Mental Illness in the Workplace

Management read my blog. I was the highest internet user during business hours so they tracked what I was doing and came across my blog.

Apart from me feeling totally violated, they were very supportive. I have had two bad experiences with telling employers about my illness (see my post Working Full Time with a Mental Illness for more info and tips on how to cope with mental illness in the workplace).

They contacted Beyond Blue for advice before speaking to me about their concerns about my mental health. No doubt after reading my latest suicide post they became worried about my state of mind.

Needless to say, my state of mind was and is fine at this very time and I write this blog to help other people and show them that their feelings are normal and shared by others and that they are not alone.

Work asked me if there was anything they could do for me like refer me onto a psychiatrist or psychologist, better improve my workspace, said that mental illness in the workplace is very common, more common than I realise and that I should not be ashamed of my illness.

It was a more friendly chat, one on one from person to person rather than from management to me.

I took them up on their offer to better improve my workspace by admitting that the winter months were becoming a little dreary for me stuck in a cubicle with no windows and I had begun to feel the effects of no natural light. They offered to replace my cubicle walls with see through plastic so i can see out the large windows in other people’s offices which I readily accepted.

I am working in a large company now whereas my previous employers were all small business operators. Perhaps this has something to do with how management views mental illness in the workplace. I imagine that large companies can be a little more accommodating and understanding because they have the personnel skills to deal with a vast number of issues.

Even though you think you may know your employer and are very close to your employer, it is not necessarily so that your employer will be supportive of you and your mental illness. Always tread with caution when revealing your illness to any employer because your illness is your business and you don’t have to tell anyone about it if you don’t want to.

Survivors of Suicide

Writing about suicide seems to bring an influx of people to my blog, it’s great in that respect but sad in another.

I am currently reading a book called “If Only – Personal Stories of Loss Through Suicide” edited by Belinda Woolley. It is a collection of deeply personal stories from people who have lost a family member or loved one through suicide. These stories tell of the tragic loss of children, partners, parents and siblings and relate the difficulties and struggles experienced as well as the profound pain and despair that may be encountered in grief.

All of the contributors write from the heart, motivated by a desire to show that it is possible to pull your life together after a suicide, that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that the pain does lessen in time, that life can become meaningful and productive again.

I had hoped that the book would jolt me into understanding suicide from a loved one’s point of view and stop me from overdosing. The stories are sad and some bring me to tears because the way the suicider’s symptoms are described are so true to how I have felt and how many suiciders I imagine feel too.

One particular story caught my attention, it was a story of Bill who died in July, 2000. Bill and his wife Belinda were soul mates and Bill tragically hung himself due to the downfall of his business after allegations of misconduct which were false. Belinda went to a counselling session at the Coroner’s Office and was told they had research on why people kill themselves based on others who had tried to take their lives but had been stopped at the last moment.

Imagine feeling totally burdenend by some sort of decision process, whether it be to sell the house, quit your job and so on. When the decision is finally made the relief is enormous and a sense of peace calms the turmoil. So it is with those who decide to take their lives. They felt inner peace knowing they had reached this decision.

As to whether suiciders feel pain, the counsellor likened it to someone who wanted to drown. The suicider would want the water to fill their lungs and so would not be fighting against it, as one would be if they were trying to save themselves.

Bill had given numerous signs that he intended to take his life. For instance he would disappear for all hours and have the police out looking for him only to be just around the corner sitting in his car “thinking”. He reassured everyone that he was Ok and he would never do anything to harm himself. It seems to me that Bill did not want to burden anyone with his inner turmoil nor upset his then pregnant wife.

Belinda grappled with the notion of how could he have done it when they loved eachother so much. When someone is in that state of mind they become completely self-absorbed. They see the world only from their perspective, and their only goal is to end their pain. They actually go into a state, just before they take their lives where all thoughts are blocked except the one that is the focus for them at that moment, to find peace.

Belinda went on to have a baby daughter and surrounded herself with Bill’s photos and possessions. Bill lives on through his daughter. Belinda now respects Bill’s decision to end his life and sees him totally at peace.

The biggest question left behind after suicide is “why?”. The words that seem to be used are “if only”. If only i’d seen the signs, if only i’d come home earlier, if only i’d picked up any sign then things could be different. There are so many ”if only’s” and that is why the book is called what it is.

Whether this book makes a difference to my life, time will tell. It’s worth a read just to see how those around you would be affected by your suicide. It has made me contact my local hospital to volunteer in their mental health department. I will keep you posted in that regard. Also got some great suicide related links which I have posted in my blogroll for you to refer to.

Online Writing Study – The Black Dog Institute

Over the centuries, many people have been naturally drawn to writing about their life and their experiences, through journals, creative writing, and other forms of written expression.   Day to day life can be stressful as people strive for balance between family, friends and work. 

The Black Dog Institute of NSW Australia are interested in whether certain kinds of expressive writing can be helpful for people in managing their moods, stress levels and general health. The ‘Writing and Mood’ study is investigating whether particular ways of writing about our lives and our experiences can offer benefits for our moods, emotional and physical health. 

They are also interested in whether people with certain personality styles find writing in certain ways to be more helpful than others.

To participate you must be between 18-65, speak/write English and have access to the internet and email.

For more information click HERE.

I Can Do Anything

People with delusions of grandeur may exhibit a drastically exaggerated sense of self-importance or may believe that they are a famous person or religious figure.  They may believe they can do anything, believing they are vastly superior to those around them. They can have inflated self esteem and false beliefs in special abilities.

Delusions of grandeur can have a detrimental effect on the sufferer’s relationships and lead to a false sense of accomplishment and success, which in turn could trigger and intesify the onset of a depressive state.

Mania is a state of heightened energy and euphoria – an elevation of mood. It is in direct contrast to depression. Mania can vary in severity from hypomania, where, in addition to mood and energy elevation, the person shows mild impairment of judgement and insight, to severe mania with delusions and a level of manic excitement that can be so exhausting that hospitalisation is required to control the episode.

My grandiose experiences have been mild and are more like a hypomanic experience that have lasted weeks. I quite like my hypomanic ideas which have included studying psychiatry, writing a book about a dog who interviews celebrity pets (please don’t steal my idea!), writing my life story, writing a play, opening a pet sitting business, making dog collars and getting rich and the list goes on.

A good friend of mine who is also bipolar experiences hypomania or mania. I remember her having the idea of starting a fairy party business and it was all she could talk about for weeks. She even went so far as setting up a business name for her business, buying the appropriate costumes and accessories and writing a fairy story.  Sadly I knew she was having an episode and her idea would eventually die down, which it did. What followed was a long period of depression.

Another friend of mine believed she was a CIA Agent, spending days writing a report and filling a suitcase with important papers. She too had an intense period of depression following. This of course was a delusion and part of a manic/hypomanic episode.

Like most of us, once the hypomania dies down so do the ideas.

Research conducted by the Black Dog Institute has identified six principal features of hypomania and mania: high energy levels, positive mood, irritability, inappropriate behaviour, creativity and mystical experiences. Those with true mania or hypomania will have changes in at least 3 of these areas.

 

 

Depression & Fatigue

With depression comes fatigue. Some antidepressants can reduce the amount of fatigue a depressed person feels. Very rarely am I energetic without a Berocca (vitamin B) and a can of Coke every day. Red Bull or other energy drinks also remove the fatigue by boosting the body’s caffeine intake.

A European study has found evidence that depression and fatigue reinforce each other in a vicious cycle. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is thought to be a distinct disorder from depression, although symptoms overlap a great deal.

The 2004 year-long study found that patients who were depressed at the beginning of the study were four times more likely to be fatigued. The study included 3,200 patients.  In addition, those participants who were suffering from fatigue at the start of the study were nearly three times as likely to develop depression during the study.

Health professionals have long been aware of the association between depression and chronic fatigue syndrome, but were never sure which symptom came first. The circular nature of these symptoms suggests that it can happen both ways.

To overcome fatigue try the following:

• Drink half a galon of water every day;
• Learn how to breathe. The deeper and longer you hold it in the better;
• Eat a carbohydrate rich breakfast;
• Cut out caffeine and nicotine;
• Rather than eat three large meals a day try to eat smaller more frequent meals;
• Avoid eating large quantities of high-glycemic-index foods;
• Don’t overdo protein;
• Don’t overdo fat;
• Exercise. You might think you’re more tired after exercising, but if you keep it up, your body will compensate in a big way, and you’ll sleep better than you used to;
• Get good sleep. Alcohol and marijuana have a negative impact on sleep and leave you exausted in the morning;
• Eat a varied diet, including plenty of fruits and vegetables;
• Above all, try to stay healthy. There are many illnesses that cause fatigue. Get regular checkups, rather than only going to the doctor when you feel something is wrong.

Dear Family of Mine

I found this poem in a book called If Only, about personal stories of loss through suicide. It touched my heart so I thought I would share it with you.

Dear family of mine, I want you to see

I never wanted this sadness for you or me

I longed to be happy, carefree and gay

But sometimes, family, things don’t work that way

I had pain, family, although you could not see

And there was nothing you or anyone could do for me

If I had died by accident, in illness or pain

You’d not wish me back to live it all again

For me life on earth has ended

What’s done is done and can’t be mended

Family, i’m done with trouble, stress and strife

And all the things that spoiled my life

Dear family of mine, don’t grieve too much for me

For I am happy, at peace and free

Don’t weep and wail and look so sad

Remember all the good times we had

I left this world with sad regret

But your lives, family, are not over yet

So live those lives with a smile on each face

To laugh and be happy is no disgrace

And when your time on earth is through

I’ll be waiting here for each of you

Family of mine.

 

Lonliness & Mental Illness

I wanted to write a post about the lack of friendship in the life of a person with a mental illness however there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of information out there on this topic.

Social stigma plays a great role in lonliness and mental illness.

In the case of families, even when family members have the knowledge to deal with mental illness, the family members are often reluctant to discuss their mentally ill family member with others because they do not know how people will react. After all, myths and misconception surround mental illness. For many, even their closest friends may not understand.

For example, the sister of a young man with schizophrenia pointed out that when a friend’s brother had cancer, all his friends were supportive and understanding. But, when she told a few, close friends that her brother has paranoid schizophrenia, they said little and implied that something must be very wrong in her family to cause this illness.

Family members may become reluctant to invite anyone to the home because the ill person can be unpredictable or is unable to handle the disruption and heightened stimulation of a number of people in the house. Furthermore, family members may be anxious about leaving the ill person at home alone. They are concerned about what can happen. The result is they go out separately or not at all.

The result of the stigma in so many areas of daily life, is that the family becomes more and more withdrawn. When others do not accept the reality of mental illness, families have little choice but to withdraw from previous relationships both to protect themselves and their loved one. They are unwilling to take any more risks of being hurt and rejected. 

In the case of individual friendships,  friends quite often do not understand mental illness as a whole to realise that their mentally ill friend may not always be themselves and may act out of character on occasion. As a result, the friendship is strained or even terminated due to erratic behaviour of the mentally ill friend.  This can become sad and depressing for the mentally ill friend because friendship plays an important part in the life of a mentally ill person.

Friendship means understanding and being understood… Friendship means affirming and being affirmed… Friendship means accepting and being accepted… Friendship means helping and being helped… Friendship means forgiving and being forgiven (Quote: David J. Claasen).

In my case, it took me six months of subtle rejection to get over a broken friendship with me finally realising that the frienship was not worth it in the first place if the friend was too narrowminded to see beyond my bipolar disorder.

How to Combat Lonliness

Tell someone you trust how you are feeling. Talk to a trained counsellor (you can do this over the phone without even saying who you are!)

Find groups of people where you hold a common interest. For example, join a sporting club, do a short course, or visit a support group.

Be open to others’ opinions and views. Try and see things from another person’s point of view. Remember, you can learn from every person you meet! Let them know you are interested in them (but don’t try too hard at first – just be friendly without asking for too much too soon).

Connect with other people through volunteer work or becoming involved in other community projects. There are lots of people out there who feel just like you! 

Joining in a sport or new hobby can often help.

Join an online mental illness forum where you can meet new friends online.

Overall, think about what is best for you. Take control of what you can. Put energy into the things you can change. Take a risk that will improve your life - move out of your ‘comfort zone’.

Smoking & Mental Illness

I don’t know about you but I like to have a cigarette once in a while to calm my nerves. Cigarettes bring me up when I am feeling down.

But according to Sane Australia, some chemicals in cigarettes may affect the positive and negative symtoms of Schizophrenia and as a consequence, sufferers may need their anti-psychotic medication increased to compensate.

Did you know that smoking is more popular in people with a mental illness than it is in the general community? Rates in the general community have fallen to under 20% but 40% of those with a mental illness smoke and 70% of those people have Schizophrenia.

Diseases caused by smoking are the second largest killer of those with a mental illness.

It is important to involve a doctor when you are trying to quit smoking so your medications and side effects can be monitored.

The Sane Smokefree Zone Kit helps people with a mental illness give up smoking. It includes guides for the person quitting and for a supporter, as well as stickers and a Quit ‘4D’ Helpcard. It has been developed in consultation with consumers, carers, pharmacists and psychiatrists, as well as quit smoking experts, with the aim of producing an easy-to-use, practical resource that genuinely helps people to quit. It costs $12.00 and can be purchased HERE.

 

Zeldox – A Worker’s Anti-Psychotic

I wanted to tell you about a new drug i’m taking called “Zeldox”.  It is an anti-psychotic and it’s medical name is ziprasidone hydrochloride. It is predominately used for treatment of Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder.

After much experimentation with finding the right combination of drugs for me I was introduced to “the wonder drug” from America. By this time I was in such a state I couldn’t work and would sleep all day and all night. Everything was a struggle.

Within 2 days of taking Zeldox I was up and about and staying up on the internet until 11.00pm having a grand old time. I was only taking 60mg a day in the morning at that stage.

Even though I showed great improvement, the drug was giving me terrible insomnia so I went from one extreme to the other. I decided to take the drug in the evening instead of the morning and the insomnia cleared up.

The side effects of Zeldox are:

• drowsiness or sleepiness;
• trouble sleeping;
• weakness or loss of strength;
• palpitations, dizziness, faintness or blackouts;
• dizziness on standing;
• constipation, diarrhoea;
• dry mouth, indigestion, feeling sick (nausea), too much saliva;
• muscle stiffness;
• restlessness or difficulty sitting still;
• facial droop;
• rapid heart rate;
• difficulties swallowing;
• urinary incontinence;
• anxiety, agitation;
• blurred vision;
• persistent painful erection of the penis.

Not mentioned in the consumer medicine information pamphlet is that the withdrawal symptoms of Zeldox are a nightmare. I have to take an additional 40mg when the drug starts to wear off (by about lunch time) to counteract the withdrawal symptoms which include a lump in my throat (this is rather uncomfortable) and lethargy.

Even though the side effects of Zeldox can be quite terrible namely the anxiety and general sickness, the positives outway the negatives. I can now truly focus at work, the fogginess is gone which derives from many anti-depressants and my brains have come back!  One of my complaints about anti-depressants was always the fog that comes with them. This made it difficult to focus at work and hold down a full time position.

With Zeldox I have been able to concentrate at work, take on more responsibility and meet deadlines.

It truly has been the wonder drug for me.  If you are interested in Zeldox ask your doctor or psychiatrist if it is suitable to you.

Working Full Time with a Mental Illness

Working full time with a mental illness is not easy.

Sometimes you feel like you don’t want to get up out of bed and go to work but you force yourself up and out into the new day.

If your mental illness is affecting your ability to do things such as concentrating or communicating effectively, you’re probably aware of it. Then again, you may not have made the connection between your disability and your problems functioning. 

Here’s a list of some of the limitations you may be experiencing. If you have a mental illness, you may have trouble doing some of these things.

Inability to screen out your environment, such as sounds, sights, or smells, which distract you. For example, you may have a hard time working next to a noisy printer or in a high-traffic area.
Possible solutions: Move the printer away from the work area; wear headphones playing soft music while you work; ask for high partitions to be installed around your desk.

Inability to concentrate. You may feel restless, have a short attention span, be easily distracted, or have a hard time remembering verbal directions. For example, it may be difficult for you to focus on one task for an extended period of time.
Possible solutions: Break large projects into smaller tasks; ask for tasks to be assigned in writing; take short, frequent breaks to stretch or walk around whenever you feel your attention slipping.

Lack of stamina. You may not have enough energy to work a full day, or you may find your medication makes you drowsy.
Possible solutions: Ask for a part-time schedule; ask for flexi time or job sharing to be sure you’re working only during your high energy hours; take a mid-day rest break.

Difficulty handling time pressures and multiple tasks. You may have trouble managing assignments, setting priorities, or meeting deadlines. For example, you may not know how to decide which tasks to do first in order to complete a project by its due date.
Possible solutions: Break larger projects down into manageable tasks; meet regularly with your boss or a job coach for help prioritizing or estimating how long it will take to meet a deadline.

Difficulty interacting with others. For example, you may be too shy to talk with co-workers at breaks.
Possible solutions: Ask your employer to pair you with a co-worker who can introduce you around and show you the ropes.

Difficulty handling negative feedback. You may have a hard time understanding and interpreting criticism. For example, you may get defensive when someone tells you your work isn’t up to standards.
Possible solutions: offer your own perspective on your strengths and weaknesses; ask for specific ways to improve; ask to receive feedback in writing with an opportunity to discuss it later.

Difficulty responding to change. Unexpected changes at work, such as new rules, job duties, or supervisors and co-workers, may be unusually stressful for you. For example, it may take you a long time to learn new tasks, or you may feel especially anxious around new co-workers.
Possible solutions: Ask your employer for advance warning of any changes; make a special effort to introduce yourself to new co-workers; ask your employer to notify new supervisors of your needs.  

Try to find someone who can support you while you work full time. A confidante, a friend, someone who you can talk to about the pressures of work. If possible, speak to your boss about your illness. Many employers are receptive to mental illness and the needs of their employees. However, tread with caution as I have had some bad experiences with employers and revealing my illness. One couldn’t accept that I couldn’t remember information at the drop of a hat anymore and the other was frightened of my diagnosis and found a way under the new workplace reforms to terminate my employment. Both were small businesses.

I am currently working in a large firm now who are supportive of me taking time off (even though they don’t know why).

Your mental illness is your private business, it’s up to you who you want to tell.

I Hate Mondays

Out of all the days of the week I especially hate Mondays.

I always feel like crap on a Monday. I’m sitting at work writing this. I am a Law Clerk and I should be working but instead I feel like blogging or doing something totally unrelated to work.

Sundays and Mondays are particularly depressing days for me. I think it’s because I have more time to think about things on a Sunday, and on Monday I am recovering from the Sunday and an early morning rise for work.

Not everyone enjoys their weekends. I believe that the weekends can be particularly bad for many people with depression.  People I have spoken to reveal their anxiety when the weekend approaches knowing what lies ahead. Time allows your thoughts to wander onto subjects that are depressing.

For the first time in a long long time last weekend was good for me. I had a great time, no depression, everything was rosy in the relationship, we went out, the sun was shining, I couldn’t ask for more.

Winter can be very depressing too. Cold, rain and darkness bring on the blues. Winter can bring on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The typical symptoms of SAD include depression, lack of energy, increased need for sleep, a craving for sweets and weight gain.  Symptoms begin in the fall, peak in the winter and usually resolve themselves by spring.  Susceptible people who work in buildings without windows may experience SAD. I am in a cubicle so I am dreading the onset of winter. I have to get up to look through a window.  Hopefully due to global warming, winter will not be so bleak.

Treatment for SAD can include bright light therapy, where an area of the brain sends out a signal to supress the hormone melatonin.

For more information on SAD click HERE.

Self Harm/Suicide

What a last couple of days i’ve had.

I haven’t posted on here of late because of my “rapid cycling”. Up and down like a yo yo.

I self harm myself by overdosing on tablets.

Self harm is a behaviour which can occur in many different disorders and situations.  Self harm may be an attempt at suicide although not necessarily so.

All salf harm deserves serious assessment. If you are concerned that a member of your family or you yourself are at risk of or have self harmed then seek help from your family doctor or local mental health services.

Where there is an underlying mental illness, that should be appropriately treated in the expectation of reducing the risk of futher self harm.

Sometimes self harm is a reflection of a person’s distress, independent of mental illness.

Self harm is a behaviour and not an illness. People self harm to cope with distress or to communicate that they are distressed. It includes self poisoning and overdoses, minor injury, as well as potenitally dangerous and life threatenening forms of injury. Some people who self harm are sucidal at the time. Others report never having felt suicidal.

Self harm is common among young people. In any year more than 25,000 people are admitted to hospitals in Australia as a result of self harm. Usually more women than men self harm. Women more commonly take overdoses than men.  Overdose is the most common form of self harm in Australia and New Zealand.

What Causes Self Harm?

There is no cause for self harm, however research suggests that some people seem more at risk than others. These include:

• those under stress or in crisis, and those who have self harmed before;
• those with mental disorders (ie: anxiety, depression, schizophrenia);
• those who misuse alcohol or other substances or have these addictions;
• those who have experienced childhood trauma or abuse;
• those who have a debilitating or chronic illness.

Is it Just Attention Seeking?

Some people think that self harm is just attention seeking. This attitude is unhelpful and it trivialises self harm and the distress the person is feeling at the time.

This attitude does not take into account that people who self harm have genuine difficulties coping.  People who self harm tend to have memories that over generalise from experience and forget how they solved a similar problem in the past. They get stuck when trying to solve a current problem. This can lead to frustration and feeling out of control.

For other people, self harm may indicate that they are experiencing symptoms of a mental illness (ie: major depression or schizophrenia).

Why Should I Get Help for Self Harm?

Of those who present to a hospital after self harm, about half will never attend with the problem again. Others attend hospital again after repeating self harm. This increases the chance of the behaviour becoming a habit as a response to distress.

It is OK to ask for help before you hurt yourself.  Treatment teaches you new coping skills.

I have never been to hospital for self harm even though there are times when I should have been. I have been in a situation where self harm has become an addiction. It is a frightening experience. For me, self harm is the only path I see to solve my problems. Vision is narrow minded and the only way out is to overdose. Previously I have only taken enough tablets to knock me out being too frightened to take too many incase I die however lately my self harm has taken on a new turn and I no longer feel fear of death, infact death is the only way I can see a way out of my problems.

I did discuss my last attempt at self harm with my psychiatrist. He told me that I was a “stupid girl” and I am self sufficient, very successful and don’t need a man to survive. This was very helpful to me as it made me see my life in a new perspective. I never thought of myself that way. Sadly, I doubt that this advice alone will prevent me from self harming again.

Don’t Take NO for an Answer

If you’re depressed and you don’t already have a Doctor or Psychiatrist you’re seeing, visit your local Doctor and get a referral. Speak to your Doctor about your depression.

If money is a problem and you can’t afford a private Psychiatrist call the local Crisis Assessment Team at your local hospital. They will be able to point you in the right direction to a government Psychiatrist who bulk bills or charges a low consultation fee.

You inside know there is something wrong so don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. It’s easy for people who have never experienced depression to tell you to “snap out of it”, “take on a hobby” or “go on holiday” but they don’t know how it really feels inside.

See a professional and if that professional doesn’t help you by prescribing medication or giving you a referral to a Psychiatrist or Psychologist, try another professional. Never give up and don’t take no for an answer. Don’t just think that the way you feel now will be your way of life forever. Remember how you used to be before the depression took hold and aim to feel that way again.

If the drugs you are prescribed don’t help you much (allow 1-2 weeks to feel any effects), go back to the professional to seek their advice. They may put you on a higher dose or change your medication to a new type of drug.

If the side effects of the depression drug are too much for you to bear (they usually settle down within a month) tell the professional you want to try another drug. I have tried so many depression drugs on the Australian market it’s unbelievable. All of them made me foggy but I never gave up trying to find the right drug for me. It was important to me to maintain a certain standard of living and to be able to hold down a full time job.

Psychiatry is all trial and error until you find what’s right for you.

Read a Book

I’ve recently started reading books again.

In a book you can escape to another world and leave all your troubles behind you.

When you are depressed it can be very hard to concentrate on a book, you just can’t seem to grasp the words.

What i’ve found is that I can identify with books that are autobiographies of people who have been abused mentally, physically or sexually. It sometimes helps to know you are not alone.

Somewhere along the line the authors have felt depression, fear, lonliness, anxiety and helplesness – all the feelings of depression.

It’s because of this understanding i’ve made a “Books” page on my blog with links to the authors’ websites where possible so you can read about the books i’ve read and the stories of the authors. Most of the books are avaialble at your local library or for purchase through Amazon.com.

Buy Yourself a Pet

How do you ease the burden of depression? Life gets a little bit easier if you have a pet.

I have two dogs that mean the world to me. They are totally devoted to me. They follow me everywhere I go inside the house, they sleep with me, they wait for me to return when I am away and they protect and comfort me in times of sorrow.

In return I give them love, food, water and a little exercise when I am up to it.

My pets give me a reason to live. I am alive because of my pets. I ask myself during moments of despair who will take care of my pets if I am gone, who will love them and nurture them the way I do? The answer is “nobody”.

If you don’t have a pet you are missing out on some serious joy in your life. If you rent, get a fish, a mouse or a bird. Get something to be responsible for, something to give you a purpose in life, something that relies on you for a little love, food and water.

Try it and you will see how good you feel. Let me know how it makes you feel. Bring a smile to your face.

The Benefits of Keeping a Diary

My Psychologist always tells me that when I have a problem to “write it down”.

I have started a diary on and off over the last 12 months. Usually I get bored with the process once the depression lifts. What I have found of benefit is when I am feeling low or something is bothering me I write it all down including possible solutions to the problems I may be facing. I find that writing as many of my thoughts and feelings down as possible exhausts me emotionally and I then tend not to take my problems out on other people so much. It’s a great way of expressing myself.

Once i’ve written it all down on paper I feel somewhat relieved of the burden of depression and the problems and solutions are straight in my mind. The key of journalling is to be true to yourself. Never be afraid to admit the truth, after all it is only you that is going to read it. If you find yourself falling again, go over your diary notes to remind yourself of the solutions that you have written down. The reminders of the solutions should keep you in check.

New Study – Marijuana Use Damages Brain

Australian researchers have found in a world first study that long term significant cannabis use causes significant damage to parts of the brain that regulate memory and emotion.

The study was conducted by Dr Murat Yucel, from the University of Melbourne and the Orygen Research Centre.

The team scanned the brains of heavy users and found never-seen-before shrinkage of the parts known as the hippocampus and amygdala.  The changes were the equivalent of minor brain damage or premature ageing.

The researchers took high-resolution MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) scans of the brains of 15 men, average age 39, who had smoked more than five joints daily for over 10 years.

When compared to scans of non-users, they showed a drop in the size of the hippocampus by 12% and a 7% shrinkage of the amygdala. “That may not sound like a lot, but believe me it’s a lot of neurons and connections and cells that would be very important (to normal brain function),” Dr Yucel said.

To read more CLICK HERE.

To read Sane Australia’s fact sheet on Mental Illness and Drug Use CLICK HERE.

 

50% Rise in Young Women Self Harming

The rate of hospitalisation for deliberate self harm among young women jumped by half in the decade to 2005-06 a new report reveals.

While suicide rates dropped, hospitalisation for self harm among people aged 12-24 increased by 43 per cent, according to an Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) report.

Self harm frequently involves cutting and poisoning but may also involve hanging.

Some 51 per cent more females were hospitalised for self harm in 2005-06 than in 1996-97, while the figure for males was up 27 per cent.

In 2005-06, 7299 young people were hospitalised for self harm, a rate of 197 per 100,000 people.

Girls aged between 15-17 were the group most at risk, while the danger for males increased in the 18-24 age group.

To read more CLICK HERE

Overcoming Depression – a Great Resource

Here’s a great link to overcoming depression. Best of all it’s free! I found it very useful. I wrote down some of the statements the information suggests you repeat to yourself which helped me somewhat. Combat thoughts of helplessness by reading or by repeating, “I made myself depressed over that. I didn’t have to respond that way.” 

Participating in interests and hobbies is a good one. Try to force yourself to participate in something you enjoy. We often don’t enjoy a new activity right away. Instead, it may take time to become accustomed to a new activity and for interest and pleasure to grow.   For the first time today I went and joined my local dog club. It kept my mind active on other things for an hour and gave me something to talk about at home instead of dwelling on depressive issues.

Changing Bad Habits

Depressed people tend to overlook and discount feelings of pleasure and accomplishment, both in trying new activities and in many other areas of life. Learn to recognize these feelings. Develop these slight feelings and take pride in your activities. Counter negative reactions with positive statements such as: “Hey, that wasn’t bad. I enjoyed it some. Maybe if I try it a few more times, I’ll really like it,” and “Not bad on my first try, but I’ll get better with practice. That was kind of fun.” Repeat those activities that give you slight feelings of accomplishment or pleasure. 

CLICK HERE to read the article.