Trusting Myself

Question 1 Step 2 of the 12 Steps: Have I looked to the sexaholic to satisfy my God hunger? 
Yes I have. I relied on the actions and words of the addicts in my life to tell me if I was doing the right thing.  If I asked them about my actions towards a situation I would treat their answer as gospel. Generally their answer was negative or revolved around things being “my fault”. 
Until I was 30 years old I thought my alcoholic dad was always right. I NEVER saw his flaws. 
I remember some years ago there was a big argument and my room got trashed. I was so upset I called my A dad and he asked me what I had done to cause it?  I knew at that time I was relying on the wrong person to help me. I saw the dysfunction and how violence, verbal abuse and addiction had become an accepted way of life for me and my family of origin.
If there was an argument/event with someone at work I would expect the addicts close to me to support me but it never happened that way. I ended up feeling worse, lost and lonely.  I don’t think they knew how to listen and support me.  Today I am clear what I need from someone – “I just need you to listen and support me”. 
In relation to not trusting in one’s ability to make the right choices or not knowing at all what to do in situations, I can totally relate to that.  It is like no answer comes to me at all sometimes, there is nothing, it’s empty – I just don’t know what to do.  I understand to an extent why it is that way – I must have “completely” lost my true self as a child. I am certain my caregivers denied me my reality because it suited them both. I had to live the lie along with them because if I didn’t, I would be punished. This is exactly why I must speak up now when faced with evidence of active sexaholism (or with anything really). If I do not, I am continuing the pattern of denial taught to me in childhood and inhibiting my ability to make my own decisions.
I feel I must share a necessary part of my reality here for some reason, a part that does not fit into the above paragraph. Even though I lived the lie my caregivers conditioned me to believe, I was still punished. To this day my mum treats me differently to my siblings. I was (and am) denied a lot of things that my siblings are not. In essence, if I spoke up, I was punished and if I lived the lie, I was punished. 
I have found that the more small decisions I make by myself that affect me, the stronger and more confident I become.Trust in myself is slowly increasing. The choices I’ve made have not always agreed with those around me though and that’s caused me difficulty but I’ve had to stand up and say “no, I’m not comfortable with that” and as a result I’ve been able to grow.
Thanks for listening to me, I greatly appreciate it :)

Feeling Inadequate

I think my feelings of inadequacy perpetuated from childhood. The things I did and tried so hard at were never good enough in the eyes of my family and extended family. Their hurtful comments and put downs left me feeling like I was a failure, worthless and not as good as my relatives, who they praised.
By putting someone down was how my family of origin learned to “encourage” someone. I know this because I did the same thing as an adult.  When I became aware of it I realised that it just doesn’t work. If it made me feel inadequate and miserable as a child (and as an adult), then it will surely make others feel inadequate and miserable too!.  Time to change my ways from negative encouragement to positive encouragement and that is what I try to do today.
Last week I left my job of 11 months and am moving onto another job next week. My former boss said great things to me such as “the new girl is not like you R.C” (my brain was saying – I bet she’s not as dysfunctional as me!) and “any time you need a reference, you’ve got it” (my brain was saying – he doesn’t really mean that, if only he knew what goes on behind the scenes!). 
My inner critic in regards to performance will be there for a long time I think because I have lived with negative encouragement (outside and inside)  for almost all of my life.  
I can see my flaws and I am of the dysfunctional belief that they outshine my positives when I am around others.  Perhaps that is because my flaws were always pointed out as a child and my positives were generally overlooked. 
I have often read that the adult child spends a lot of time covering up their true selves from the belief that they are bad.  I could never really relate to that until I was offered my new position. The offer triggered a great fear in me that everyone will see how bad I am,  I will be truly exposed and all my flaws apparent. It was a necessary part of my recovery to uncover that memory/emotion and to debunk an old childhood belief.
It will take some time for me to completely believe positive comments from others in lieu of second guessing them. Nevertheless I can feel a shift forward in my self belief after this incident and that’s some progress on my part.

Can You Hear Me?

I’ve seen it today, I understand now. There’s a repetition in my life – there are many of them.

I spend endless hours chattering away to my dogs, like they can understand me. It fills the hole in my soul – temporarily.

Nobody heard me as a child. As a four year old I told my mum what dad was doing to me but dad exploded and that was the end of that. I was branded a liar, a trouble maker and my mum unconsciously punished me until I left home at 29 years of age. Yes, I understand that to be part of her process, her denial, but it hasn’t helped me one bit.

Now I spend many a wasted hour trying to get heard by people who don’t understand what it’s all about. A pointless, fruitless exercise.

My counsellor can hear me, she can validate me. She can give me a safe place to share, a place where I can begin to contemplate what happened to me and speak my truth.

Slowly slowly my inner child will get heard and my repetitive need for someone to hear my voice will dissipate.

Many people just don’t understand the full ramifications of child sexual abuse. There, I’ve said it – sexual abuse. That’s what it was and that’s what it will always be. Nothing anybody says will make it not so, for my inner child knows the truth. She carries the secret deep within and for now she gives me snippets of details. One day she will be fearless enough to tell me exactly what happened – but only when I’m ready to hear it.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate it like you’ll never know.

The Root Cause

I am feeling lonely and depressed tonight.

Let’s look at those feelings for a moment.

Within myself I can feel emptiness, anxiousness, fatigue, pain and numbness like I’m just going through the motions. Tears could break through any moment now.

What could the cause be?

It could relate to my long term use of the antidepressant Efexor XR/Venlafaxine Hydrochloride which is known to cause fatigue, menstrual cycle upsets (that can obviously set off other feelings), anxiety and somnolence among other things.

Or it could be from the trigger I received last week surrounding betrayal and deceit the result of which I have felt numb, empty, dead as a door nail and restless ever since.

It’s very hard to distinguish if I am reacting to a past trauma or suffering from a medicinal side effect given I can tick both boxes.

My bet is on the Efexor XR because of the joint pain and fatigue.

I think it’s time to taper off the Efexor XR so I can finally hit the nail on the head regarding the root cause.

Repeating History

Hiding from me what you do on your computer late at night continues to reinforce the message I received in childhood that I am not safe, things are not as they seem and what I want is of no consequence.

My grief is so deep. I am dirt to you.

You continue to over power me,  to control and win regardless of what I ask of you.

As long as my environment is not safe I will continue to recoil in fear.

I am an adult trapped in childhood trauma and I trust no-one but myself.

Nobody understands…..

Air – I Can’t Breathe!

I figured out today that air from a fan or air conditioner directly blowing on me  triggers an anxiety attack.

This explains why when at a recent meeting I dissociated when the upright fan was continually blowing air my way. It was exactly the same fan we had at home when I was young.

Figuring out why this happens to me is the next piece of the puzzle.

I’m hated in my own home and the sexaholic has to get away from me.

So, if I had to write a personal’s advertisement, what would I say about myself?

“I’m a good kind person with a good heart. I’m giving and genuine, easy-going and down to earth.  I cook, clean, wash clothes and dishes and go to work.

I enjoy watching TV, movies and going to cafe’s. I like walking and talking together, reading, animals, long drives and the beach.

I like cooking traditional Italian meals, drawing, pottery, sewing and beading.  I potter in the garden and love warm weather.

I love walking my dogs, swimming, shopping and surfing the internet.

I am quiet natured and enjoy current music and meditation.

I like going on holidays to the bush and the beach.

I enjoy psychology, catching up with friends, old wares, writing and going to op shops hunting for bargains.”

I think I’m a pretty good person.

How would you write your personal’s ad?


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